I used o have difficulty working because it made me think about Reeducation. So at this point there was an excursus in my notes, boiling Reeducation down. It said:
- The rigidity of it. One must make do with what it offered, and other questions would not be acknowledged.
- The idea that one was less-than. You are incompetent and flawed, and you must follow this pre-designed path exactly to survive; you will still never be as whole as the others.
- The idea that one was crazy. Your perceptions are off, and your democratic ideas are oppressive (this last was from the aspect of Reeducation that was my current job).
- The effort to limit one’s intellectual power. If one can think and be analytical one is unfeeling, which is bad for all kinds of reasons, as it can indicate anything from an abuse reaction to a serious aberration. But I remember being accused of, or asked about “numbness” all the time … because of not conforming to the normative stereotype of hysteria, falling apart.
The fourth point, on limiting intellectual power, is the one that stands out now. What was so painful about it all was the imperative to suppress my intellectual nature — or the fact that I very nearly managed to do it. We’ll call this the Sor Juana Complex, I supposed.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 