How much do students know about you? It appears that they know (correctly) that I had two straight parents who did not divorce, and one brother. They do not know more although they guess (incorrectly) that I am (a) Mexican or Argentine, (b) from “Europe,” and (c) lesbian (reasons for this are wearing black, not wearing stilettos, having strong opinions, going to New Orleans a lot, and never discussing boyfriends or husbands in class). They change their opinion on sexuality and marital status a lot, depending upon which of my mother’s rings I have fancifully decided to wear. They say they feel they know less about me than they do the other professors. I feel they know much more than they would know if we lived elsewhere, because in this culture much more is revealed than would be at home–although at the same time I note that I am far more comfortable than it is said I should be with events such as running into students at the gym. Qu’est-ce que c’est?
It is cheaper for me to stay longer at my conference location than I need to than it is for me to stay less time, and this does not mean missing any more classes than I absolutely must. Therefore, I get to spend a week and two weekends in Mexico in October and I will make this a writing retreat.
To work well, you first have to be free of harassment and sabotage, and you also be free of major financial worries. Otherwise things are entirely too precarious. If you do not have this situation, you must recognize that. Don’t say: I am lazy. Say: it is cold in here. You might have to continue on in the cold but it will be easier to concentrate if you do not berate yourself for feeling it.
I, to work well, also need not to rush. Everyone else is about rushing and working in short bursts. If I think I have to sprint like that I put off starting as long as I possibly can. I may even decline the race. But if I decide to work at my pace and without self-recrimination, the way I did before Reeducation, I am always ready to start.
We’ve been having a crisis involving governance and service. I say that YES white men get credit for service, more than they deserve, while a lot of women and people of color end up having to do part or all of the work these people get credit for. If it surprises you that this should be true, you are in a position not to have to see how the world works.
While I was driving I thought of various poems I would have written when I stopped, except that I never got to stop early enough because of road construction and traffic. They were in a certain style and now the New Yorker has published one like them. I do not generally like the poems the New Yorker publishes, but sometimes I do. This is Origin Story.
The question for the last throw was “Where is home?” This throw is on the shape of the coming academic year, after the eclipse and a change in governance. It merits thought.
Heart of the matter/the present: 3 of Swords
Challenge/obstacle: Son of Swords (Knight)
Root of the question: The Star (XVII); The Star in Wild Unknown Tarot
Past: 7 of Cups
Goals/aspirations: Temperance (XIV); Temperance in Wild Unknown Tarot
Future: The Devil (XV); The Devil in Wild Unknown Tarot
Self: 9 of Cups
Context/outside world: Judgement or Aeon (XX); Judgement in Wild Unknown Tarot
Hopes and fears: 9 of Pentacles
Outcome: Wheel of Fortune (X); Wheel of Fortune in Wild Unknown Tarot
I have given the spread as my reader uses it. Not all the positions are identical to these. But I, or we are reading with the Wild Unknown Tarot and also with Paul Hughes-Barlow, because he uses several decks offers a good composite of the more traditional interpretations.
When I finish my syllabi I will write a Fulbright letter and we will work on materials for Asymptote.
I have greater problems with anxiety, and also with lack of voice, than I knew–and these problems are related. Here in California, with the mountains, redwoods, seas, I have perspective and do not experience these problems, but in the swamps of Louisiana, I do.
Tomorrow I have to work on: poetry selections for the new publication, the contact lens order, the notary.
Filed under Banes, Working