It isn’t actually self-doubt or self-hatred, or laziness or lack of commitment or not knowing what one wants, or depression. It is longing. I long to: – live somewhere I feel happy – have an intellectually stimulating life – be safe from torturers, not work with torture – and therefore, be calm enough to really … More Longing


I read about all these professors and how happy they are, how independent and financially secure and creative, and I think: I should be happy and productive, and it is only my lack of strength that prevents it They are happy in places even sadder than here; I should be too I am lazy and … More Mais

This week

— Work on article every morning 7 days/1h no matter what; ideally come up with a readable and sharable draft — Put syllabi and exams in order — Letters of recommendation — Three bureaucratic tasks: study abroad and two speakers — Meet with painters — Things from old lists There is so much to do. … More This week

Et voilà

I started writing again. In the old way — something every day, in the morning when I can, and spend a lot of related time reading, thinking, organizing notes and papers. The keys for me are not to try to rush and not to get scared self-censor. Part of my block on that Vallejo book … More Et voilà

The fortuneteller

I had my fortune told. My aura is lemon yellow. What will happen if I stay here? we asked the cards. I will experience growth. What will happen if I leave now, to a place  more pleasant or favorable? I will become a workaholic. Perhaps the pressure to make it work will be too much, … More The fortuneteller


My mother had food issues. Being ill, and being served food in bed on a tray, was one thing she liked. Another was being in a restaurant and eating something unusual, warming and good. These events caused her great pleasure and she would exclaim: “Someone is taking care of me!”She felt that she had been … More Psychoanalysis

It isn’t time management, and it isn’t depression, either

1. This article is from Clarissa‘s blog, and what it says is true. It is also to be noted that most of my intellectual energy in the past 25 years has been used to convince myself that I suffer from depression and then try to cure it with recommended methods. I found, once again, the … More It isn’t time management, and it isn’t depression, either