Music to work by:
• Jon Cleary, Zulu Strut, from Pin Your Spin, Basin Street Records 2004.
I. DO TO HOUSE
FALL 2014
Sweep gutters
Clear more flowerbeds
Door and windowsill (back bedroom) repair
SPRING 2015
Paint and repair deck.
Revarnish door.
II. POSSIBLE 40 HOUR SCHEDULE
One may work more, but may not displace any of the research or exercise time set out here. My book, whose focus has been wavering between race and the state and which is about the intertwining of these of course, but does not want to look at literature just as another form of state discourse and so on (even Rama does this and much as I like him, I do not want to imitate that), is really about fractured subjectivity and I am sticking to this — and to my planned first sentence (that spins off of Sarmiento’s rhythms and says mestizaje “the salve that heals” seeps into fissures still there).
Monday: 25 minutes writing, 2.5 hours each and preparation for each of three courses for the week, total 8 hours. All of this time is alone. Yoga and maybe art studio time that night.
Tuesday: 25 minutes writing, 1 hour e-mail, 6 hours of class, total 8 hours. Work out with weights that night.
Wednesday: 25 minutes writing, 1 hour research, 3 hours office hours, 3 hours meetings or bureaucacy, total 8 hours. Running and maybe art studio time that night.
Thursday: 25 minutes writing, 1 hour e-mail, 6 hours of class, total 8 hours. Work out with weights that night.
Friday: Research day. Physically go somewhere. Have dinner with friends, or otherwise take the evening off. Take a long walk during this day. Organize it in four blocks: 25 minutes writing (before leaving), 2.5 hours reading and writing, walk, 2.5 hours again, total 5.5 hours.
Saturday: This is mostly a day off but it does have one research block of 2.5 hours, in the afternoon or evening. It is a day for nature. Go to yoga and run on this day.
Sunday: This is also mostly a day off but it has a reflective and planning period, probably in the morning, and e-mail and blogging. It is a day for recreational reading and nature. Get some form of vigorous outdoor exercise on this day.
III. ANNUAL REPORT 2012
Asesora editorial: Revista Iberoamericana
Secretary, FS
Applied NEH Seminar
Applied HAHR blogger, stood for election ERIP
Applied SCMLA, 2 papers, 1 accepted
Applied ERIP
Applied colloquium here
Academe article submitted May 18, accepted May 27; also earlier version in AAUP state conference website
Honors seminar — Mexico DF — March 20
Developed 6 interlocking courses for SA Mexico, not funded but still working on it
Advising included advising UNO graduate students on language intensives
Letters of recommendation include but are not limited to: tenure file at SEIU, senior Fulbright, 2 accepted to graduate school at R1, more . . .
Professional Development: Coursera course
Community Service: 9 bands FIL, translation, negotiation, logistics; interpretation Danish and Portuguese for AF; pro bono translation of marriage licenses and similar documents for community members needing these for official purposes (2); also planting grass CRLA, mailout Basinkeeper, informant and support LCAC.
IV. BUY
These are the things I have decided I would really like and that I am saving for. I will remember this list before buying other things.
Glasses for driving.
Raincoat.
More linens for the guests, and more of the dishes in which I am interested.
Repair jewelry and silverware.
Outdoor furniture.
Bicycle.
Studio time.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
Another current theory of the schedule, for a 40 hour week:
If I could get the schedule I want, most afternoons would be off and some evenings would be on. It would be:
Sunday through Friday mornings = 6 sessions
Monday through Thursday, plus Saturday afternoon in a library OR evening writing = 5 sessions
Sessions I conceive of as 2.5 hours so that is 27.5 hours so far.
This is the time I want to work on research and preparation of classes, no face time. On the 40 hour plan I still owe 12.5 hours, which is perfect: 9 hours of class, 3 of office hours, and 30 minutes of meetings. Hm, I think I will work this up and see if I can do it. I will have to go slightly over some weeks, but perhaps not too much.
To be developed out on a grid.
Logging: that comment on my tenure file was made on Thursday, March 6.
There has always been an atmosphere of rumors here and part of my not working well enough has been this.
Remember: https://profacero.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/the-gaslighting-el-resplandor/
Note:
Please realize.
This caused.
You could have avoided.
…undue and unnecessary hardship by simply informing me what room was available.
This is a conversation to be held in person.
Also, this was a manipulative comment:
1/ it is part of your workload (lie)
2/ i will take you off the project (threat)
3/ and assign it to someone else (bluff — if only there were someone)
4/ if it is too much for you (belittling)
I want to make a new post of this, cut from an e-mail, but the site is too slow to post it.
[Once again, I do not agree that communicative approaches, grammar-translation, direct/natural method, etc., are merely teaching “styles” — they have different goals and produce different results. Since we as a group do not have a common approach, the de facto departmental method is that used by those who teach the most sections; therefore, I favor creating as small a group as possible to dedicate to the basic sequence, and starting to use, rather than squelch, expertise of faculty.]
Problem: dealing with / working through self doubt / lack of authority or escaping from it.
— n.b. provost —
— n.b. non-behaviorist and also not just insight based ways of improving on Problem
I had a long therapeutic thread on one of these Pages that I cannot find now, so I am starting one here, a few years later.
QUESTION: what goes into this emotional block I have around certain parts of my work?
Answer 1a: I stopped wanting to have anything to do with this field when I realized my father was an alcoholic. I just wanted to run away from him and anyone I had met through him and might now need to cite.
Answer 1B: I stopped caring for myself when I realized my father was an alcoholic. It was he who had taught us to care for ourselves but the value of that, I was being told, was now to be questioned.
NOTE: So far today I seem to have taken steps toward actually caring for myself again, not from the point of view of what one should do, but of wanting to. I went out to an Asian restaurant by myself for dinner and read an interesting book, and it was like the chifa I used to go to in Lima, long ago. I went to work out and to the sauna after that. And I am not going to stay up late or tear myself down.
WHY did that come over me? because of the questions in the comment above; because I made some shift in the way I was interacting with my infamous therapist; I dared to say I was poorly and that this therapy as we were doing it was not necessarily working on me; that seems to have worked or to have dislodged something, perhaps; I hope it continues
What is the emotional block, take 2:
1/ The academic part of myself is in such pain, has been in such pain, I don’t want to step on it, touch it — or: I cannot handle this pain? Idea: what if I look at it in a political sense, is that a lens that will help handle it, help me stop going around and around?
2/ Not having chosen these jobs: having felt coerced, feeling the coercion first (that is part of the pain) … I am not sure what to do about this, I think here is a place I will just have to say yes, well . . . and resentment, or regret over having been weak due to bullying from the family and then coercible by them will get me nowhere. I have to say something positive to this . . . as in, I could have REALLY succumbed
3/ My father having been so sure I should do something else. This is important.
4/ Resisting my parents generally, resisting being good, resenting not having tried other things … except I knew back then that some version of this was what I wanted, or was one of the things I wanted
5/ The self hatred, that I learned in Reeducation; this seems to be the place to start. I keep wanting to move to where this self hatred cannot follow. But I also have to stop it here. Every morning.
Someone said today: you are bizarrely undervalued here, and I want you to know how much I admire you.
Remembering to wake up with love / act with confidence.
NOTE: Again, things are political. The fallacy is that problems are of one’s own making, based in childhood trauma. Beyond that idea, psychotherapy and advice seem to operate in a Christian framework, which is dangerous if you aren’t Christian and don’t recognize it. What about other frameworks and horizons? We in the US drive the political underground, as Jameson said. What if problems are real, not caused by you and not reactivating older traumas?
Also: what’s the emotional block? It’s my attempt to protect myself form a toxic environment, coño. Saying it’s all you, you are projecting from your childhood, you must learn to ignore [abusiveness], etc., is not productive, or is in fact counterproductive.
* rebellion against obedience, against being good (Peggy’s insight: rebelling against that book contract)
* the toxic environment
* the hopelessness: what I think is good will not satisfy, and the more I like it the more they won’t
[these things are still insights. that is what the block is. how to remove is the question]
…not wanting to go to this space of torture which is also not mine (or said not to be mine) and which is what was the only thing that could be mine, and was what was taken from me
*I really needed to leave* this was the healthy thing … although this was secretly what I always wanted
… and it’s hard to explain these things to another person, but it’s the homesickness and the nostalgia, and the *lack of self-love and the feeling of powerlessness, powerless to self-protect, powerless against the forces of torture*.
Why do I not want to go to work: because it is a place where one is hurt, where one is discouraged and made to feel diminished, and where one watches one’s field, the things one loves, tortured.
Why is it hard to resist this: because after years of being hammered on, I am weakened. MY COLLEAGUE STILL HAS A SENSE OF SELF, STILL HAS FAITH IN SELF. I am more easily destroyed because I have caught self-doubt.
You have to be kind to yourself and have faith in yourself and these are the things I was taught NOT to do [except during my formal education] . . . and that “Reeducation” worked against.
You have to be kind to yourself and have faith in yourself and do things with love, for them and you, and that makes it all easier. To have faith in self is my difficult task now. [Also, important to remember: f*** the expectations about the online education.]
So last week it was: love of self.
This week it is: faith in self and perceptions, and make that administrative phone call.
And it also needs to be: care of self.
Lucky events this week:
– figuring out I like to teach, and should give in to this
– running into the grievance committee head, who was supportive. Committing to her to make that phone call
To think about this week:
* sticking to guns
* a lot of my problems are political: feminist, and also problems of academia
Note my conflict over that online course. Disagreeing and needing to say so, yet being terrified it will bring on death
Logging: It was on the first day of (my) classes, January 14, 2021, at lunchtime, that FGR made that remark: in December, I did not interrupt my students’ oral final exam to go and help him do something (he wanted my keys to let himself into the main office, but did not indicate this, so far as I knew, he wanted me to interrupt my exam to chat, so I said I cannot chat now, wait until the exam is over). It turns out he has nursed this all vacation, he had to get a janitor to let him into the main office, I should have interrupted my exam to let him in because he had locked his exams in by mistake. BUT why should I have thrown my exam off, and why could he not have said in sign language or something that he needed to borrow the key to the main office?
What GV says: this is a subtle form of gender violence and I should recognize it, and should start to draw lines by never doing FGR collegial favors again. I’m documenting: FGR, although sometimes reasonable and right, is primarily not solidary and has some kind of psychosocial problem and is sadistic in that: he could behave more decently but enjoys the results of not doing. I don’t want to think these things but he has been doing this for 12 years. So: no collegial favors, and remember that modeling good behavior has not worked and likely will not. I am writing this on January 18, 2021, after discussing it January 15 and today with my various advisors.
The comment from K. The degree to which my family of origin was abusive. The degree to which they are involved and intertwined with this career. I was free of them during college and graduate school but not afterwards. I have GOT to disentangle the two things — I was right that the original idea of leaving, getting a new field, was much more likely to work.