Histories of melancholy. Subjectivity, melancholy.
That is from an old, yet interesting critique of Butler.
I always said depression was self-hatred, rejection of self, and also came from subjection, renunciation.
This is good advice on writing, but what did I do today? A syllabus, a mini-grant, and a revise-and-resubmit of a poetry translation manuscript. I avoided my academic piece because it involves going through a depressing series of files — or so I think. (Is it that really, I like these other things better, I sometimes wonder.)
You have to feel like a person, I find, have full access to self, and this is why techniques for “productivity,” while good, always seem to miss the mark. One of my issues is the anxiety of disagreeing with people, if I am speaking for myself and not a cause. It is intolerable and so I switch gears to activism or translation, where I know I deserve to speak since it is not for me.
It is not for you. You are not a full person. Do not do things as you. And I work in what you might call a comfort zone, when I cannot work for me without running into peak anxiety.
I still need to learn that I have a place, and the right to take it, it does seem.