I am going away for more than a week and I do not intend to post. When I return to Maringouin I will say:
Even here, you do not have to suffer. Suffering is a Reeducated requirement, and a requirement in this local culture, but the people who wanted or want you to suffer are either dead, or out of your life, or irrelevant.
Reeducation wanted more emotional pain and also turmoil, and required suffering and self-mutilation as a way to create it. This, it said, was the reality from which one was shielding oneself by leading a good life.
That, however, does not mean Reeducation, or the Devil, must rule in this land — even if they rule many people here. But every time I come back to Maringouin I am either terrified that Reeducation will be waiting, and I thus attract it to myself, or I am convinced it will not, and I let my guard down.
When I get back I will rule, and if I cannot I will fight, but I will do this in a bored way.
I will also remember that my B.A. is real even though my aunt paid the fees and even though I went to a school the family thought was too good for me. I am so tired of struggling with my memories of the accusations around this: I had not “really done it,” had not “done it myself,” and so on.
At some level I got the impression that everyone had been told I was not really enrolled, but was just being allowed to pretend, and that the world had believed this. The degree was real, but only I and the university knew that, I felt.
Finally, I will only try to extirpate one dark thought like this per day — if that. I will cause these ideas to dissipate.
And it is summer, and there will be sun and water and leafy shade at least some days, and we can stretch and run and breathe, and read our books. And I am no longer required to engage in self-harm so as to prove loyalty or worth. And Reeducation replaced books with itself but I can take them back.
I have not felt so relaxed in a long time, or in such direct contact with things.