I have no middle name and was always told I could choose my own. I toyed with this as a child but in the end could not choose just one. My youngest brother, who is adopted, chose his own name in the end but made it out of pre-existing elements: his name in high school French class, which he liked much better than the first name he had been given at birth, and the last names of both parents.
I have never named children but I would facilitate the process by naming them after ancestors; pets are very hard to name and the house would be nearly impossible; I do not know what to call this blog; I care a great deal about the right title for every piece but even these are easier to formulate than names.
I am using coldhearted scientist Ouidad because it appears to mean the most and be the most strengthening blog name I have for now — even though I do not fully relate, it is not terribly artistic, and it does not fit my textual system. Let us review the things this name resists, the false truths I have learned.
From psychotherapy: 1. There is something congenitally wrong with me — there has to be and one characteristic of the “disease” is that I do not see it. I must accept that I am not like other people, I am impaired and will never be able to live as full or as carefree a life as my peers. 2. Academic success and a research/scientific orientation are signs of failure in life. I have, therefore, already failed at life and must start failing academically so I can catch up elsewhere. 3. My specific research fields (avant-garde poetry, fractured subjectivity, cultural hybridity) are indicative of a serious mental illness, whose treatment is dangerous in itself and also has problematic side effects. 4. My powers of concentration, my analytical dexterity and my ability to finish manuscripts, are not natural and must be signs of a psychological disorder. 5. My confidence in activities such as presenting at conferences, chairing committees, and traveling to places like New York and Boston for work is a symptom of repressed trauma: I am clearly unable to feel fear the way a healthy person would, so I constantly expose myself to danger.
Yes, it is hard to believe I fell for this; and harder to believe there was even more to it — but, yes.
From academia: There is something seriously wrong with me: I am research oriented when this should be difficult for me. As a teacher I am not maternal and I expect independence.
From earlier on: There is something seriously wrong with me: scientific, rational, goal oriented, I am not conforming to the right stereotypes and expectations.
You can see the element these three discourses have in common, and I can see why claiming the name coldhearted scientist is their counterweight.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 