Tag Archives: Reeducation

A flash of insight

Why did you not ask for advice and information?

Because I already knew that my father would not answer such questions. From this I had learned that answers would not be forthcoming from anyone.


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Filed under Da Whiteman, Working

The self-imposed… And the chance discovery

…torture, is what is self-imposed, that is to say, is what I have a choice not to do, now.

I have great difficulty distinguishing between depression … laziness … incompetence … refusal to use good strategies … self sabotage that is bad … and activities that may look like self sabotage but are not, because they are messages: “you should not be doing this / you should not be doing this in this way.”

I have so many unfinished papers, it is a terrible shame, and so many other unfinished things, but it is all since Reeducation. The only part of it that is a mere practical problem has to do with life at my current institution, where I have not put up enough resistance (due to my Reeducated training, of course, but still I have not put up enough resistance).

By chance I found today the manuscript I was working on at the time of Reeducation, that I did not finish or could not finish and also decided was not good. It is very good and it is vigente even today. With it was a transcript I had made of a session with this psychotherapist I was seeing, because I was so outraged. I had not remembered exactly how outrageous this individual’s tone was. It was utterly breathtaking.

So it is no wonder I have difficulty speaking. I would like to get over this, however.



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Filed under Banes, News

Four months

It is a week or so early but I am declaring myself undepressed now for four months, although November is always stressful. I had an emotional crisis that I let run, so that I could see what it was. I could have shut it off by keeping busy, but I wanted to see what it was.

It started when I stood up to someone on something. I never know for sure whether I have the right to stand up or whether I am fair when I do so. Mars in Aries, Moon in Libra is a difficult opposition.

I stand up to people and get flashbacks about things I was told early on. I was unlikeable and unemployable. I was only tolerated out of underserved charity.

I was tolerated as well because I could  be used to satisfy the requirements of valued people who needed someone to mistreat. If I stood up to anyone, if I refused this role, I would be out on the street and I would find that that situation was yet worse. I was only inches from it at any given moment. I would be put onto the street with no time to prepare.

You should not raise people with these ideas, as they are weakening and not strengthening.

It fascinates me that even the most abject of the motivational videos various well meaning persons sent me to help with this crisis said one should take control of situations.

In Reeducation one was not to take control of anything, and one was to allow oneself to be felled by events, as otherwise one would be commiting the sin of denial. Now, one is to be positive and in control at all times.

I discern that this is some sort of pendulum swing, surely designed to serve the interests of capital. In my view both false negativity and false brightness, or anything else false, are highly stressful to maintain as attitudes.


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Filed under Banes, Da Whiteman, News, Theories