7 August. Worked on my text. I am up to 5500 words, which means I have 200 new words this week. Working on Spillers, old Patricia Hill Collins article. Was tired today due to the cat’s illness, did not do a great deal else, but notice that even with fatigue and everything I am not as exhausted as two weeks ago.
8 August. Gingerly faced some of the things below and had an interesting discussion happening here, that I most unfortunately did not save because it was interesting. It had things in it about strengthening, about pushing back on workplace toxicity. It also had things about bibliography, including Ortiz’ Literatura brasileira e identidade nacional.
9 August. Tried to go to Tulane, got stuck in terrible traffic, didn’t make it, came home and stayed up too late trying to get over it (and accompany the cat) … should have been healthy, gone to the pool and gone to sleep early.
10 August. Pain. Exhaustion. Looking at functional faculty here and nationwide and realizing how torn-up and beaten-up I am and have been since the beginning. Grief over this, unresolved grief, I want to be whole, wanted to be. I feel this deserves attention and at the same time I am not sure it isn’t a destructive way to frame the matter.
What did I expect? To do research I believed in and interesting classes, and dissertations. To make forward-looking policy and be recognized for it. Not to be thrown repeatedly against the wall. I wish I could stop feeling this terror. (I’m in a low self-esteem, low-confidence mode and it is–scary, and unpleasant.) So. I guess I’ve got to give myself credit for grief and PTSD and not get down on myself if I just do not function well all days. And I have to take care of these problems. I tend to think “care” means physically healthy living and interesting/fun activities, but not being patient through these things. And I make very self-critical assessments that lead to wanting to hide myself, which is not good. AND there is the ongoing illness of Ricky the cat, so anyway, I’m sad, yes.
I visited one of the offices I need to visit, and got back to my text, wrote some sentences. I think I should not write too much more about Evangeline, and go on to Cecilia. Also, I made some bibiographic notes. I have got to make it to Tulane. I will aim for Saturday.
11 August. Got some writing done and one bureaucratic task done.
12 August. Did not go to Tulane, but got some writing done. I am at about 5900 words now, although some of it needs revision.
Projection: Go read Cannibal Translation at Tulane, and also the Rufinelli book. ILL Moraña, Castro-Klarén, email Prieto and Paula, contact Gabriel and Chad, Emily and Nathaniel. Brent, Dorota, and keep on going. University e-mail (reimbursement) and Sigma Delta Pi report.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 