I must finish losing the “home identity” I acquired in Reeducation. With this identity I am abusable at home and at my home institution. This makes it really hard to concentrate in the places I spend most of my time because I am always looking over my shoulder for the next blow. I am loath … More An Anti-Fear Yoga. More Notes for That Anti-Procrastination Piece.
It was also the recrimination, which I had resisted so far but which Reeducation finally drummed into my pores, that made it so hard to work. A year or two later a friend mentioned that he was trying to stop “yelling at himself” and I realized it was what Reeducation had taught me to do. … More On Recrimination
Also in Reeducation, it was important to suffer so as to prove one could feel pain (pain being the only actually admissible feeling). One could not feel pain and do something about it — that would be “impulsive.” One had to feel pain and “grieve” it, lament and suffer. I had always found that to … More Sur la souffrance
I had a realization about how Reeducation worked and what it killed via a comments thread on a different post. I could write a coherent post about that if I had time, and the comment is really just a pre-note, the thoughts in it are not well worked out at all. For now I am … More On Transference
Reeducation deauthorized. “You are not authorized to be a successful person. The degree of power you wield in your own life is highly inappropriate in a person of your background.” “You must disempower yourself. You must recognize that your happiness and integrity is an illusion based on denial. You are not authorized to live as … More Reauthorization. Stomping on Dat Whiteman.
It is the weekend, and we have found an interesting song. 18 July 1936 was the first day of the Spanish Civil War. There is a short 1938 film about it starring Juan Beigbeder, Raimundo Fernández Cuesta, Francisco Franco, Manuel Augusto García Viñolas, José Millán Astray, and Ramón Serrano Súñer, that I would like to … More Anda jaleo, jaleo
A: How unfair! I have gone through all of these contortions just because you asked, and now I am as destroyed as you so desperately claimed you wanted me to be — yet you are not giving me the award you promised! B: [Drunk on power.] Oh. I did not really care whether you did … More S/M or Torture 101
Now I might really be over Reeducation, which was that in part because it involved not only becoming a professor in the United States and coming to live in the East. Today there are Mexicans working next door. Their voices sound like home. I realize once again how unheimlich it still is to me never … More Voice Four
A A major difference between myself and the persons I am expected to resemble appears to be that they never realized that they might be a contributing factor to a bad situation. I have trouble even imagining that anyone might not to consider that. I keep being told that if you tend to be a … More A. B. C. D. Errata. Footnotes.
The thesis of my article on “procrastination” that it is not about time management or lack of interest — or at least, it isn’t always. One problem can be what you have transferred onto it, in which case you will not make headway until you recognize that and transfer it off. The other problem is … More Voice Three
coldhearted scientist وداد 