I don’t think I will ever know how to untangle these questions, on whether or not I could have liked academia or really did like it … or really did not, yet did not know that tolerating something was not the same as liking it.
On living here, however, I do note one thing: part of the reason I get so depressed when I come in from elsewhere is that I fear the pain of being here, the way one gets nervous before going to the dentist, thus making the visit worse.
And in general, in life you have to treat yourself well and you must not be afraid. In Reeducation we were not allowed this.
I am always afraid of what a torturer will do and I learned that if I self-mutilated before they started, I could often head a whole session off.