coldhearted scientist وداد

1.

This article is from Clarissa‘s blog, and what it says is true. It is also to be noted that most of my intellectual energy in the past 25 years has been used to convince myself that I suffer from depression and then try to cure it with recommended methods.

I found, once again, the critique of psychotherapy that I wrote in the fifth year, having gained some perspective on the first two, terribly destructive years. Those were the years in which I would say I was basically bludgeoned to death. After that I had to come back to life, and deal with the difficulties — including near-complete career destruction — that had been created by my effective demise. At the same time, the situation that had caused me to seek analysis in the first place was exacerbated and not alleviated; this was ironic since I had sought analysis precisely because I had solved so much on my own that I thought one last, professional push would help me break free.

It shocks me, though, that I have not really progressed beyond that critique. This is to say, I am still trying to absorb it, understand its implications, put it into practice, actually reject what was done.

2.

The reason I dislike academia is that it is in my experience a space of destruction and fear. School was not, and the research-extensive universities I have studied and worked in were not, but the other institutions, provincial and teaching oriented, have always terrified me because they are driven by the irrational projections of those in charge. Managing fear takes a great deal of my energy.

Every explanation I have, though, for not feeling I am a “real” intellectual is irrational; I should stop allowing the introjection of peoples’ irrational projections, I should stop being tentative. Everything I’ve ever allowed myself to do fully has gone well.

3.

Why do I do the things I do? It has often been to gain my parents’ respect, earn their love, or mitigate their pain. What other reasons are there to do things? What would I like to do? My answer to that question has always been that I wanted to feel a certain way, and that what I actually did was less important. I wanted to feel free enough and relaxed enough, confident enough, self-sufficient enough to make uncoerced choices.

Axé.