Feeling coerced, rushed. Disbelieved, mistrusted. Many mundane demands, many destructive people to satisfy. Many with needs greater than my own, many people hurt by luminosity. I must self-mutilate to fit in or I will not be safe. Joy and optimism are crushed and called insane or hurtful here. I feel Irritation, boredom, anger, fear, regret, deprivation, sacrifice, loss. I feel hemmed in, sad, desperate, bored, lonely.
How I felt before: interest, solidity, growth, confidence, happiness, community, broad horizons, joy.
What to do? Those New Orleans weekends.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
My girl, of course, says my luminosity can win. This is helpful.
It’s just that I need to nurture it, grow it, not criticize it. What was so destructive about Reeducation was that it said my luminosity could not be real. And yet it is.