coldhearted scientist وداد

 I

One book I like is Steen Steensen Blicher’s Brudstykker af et Landsbydegn’s Dagbog, published in 1824 but set beginning in 1708. It is a curious text which I came across by chance, many years ago. And yes, there is good information on Blicher available in English.

The sentence from this book which has always stuck in my mind is: Et plaisant Veir! Solen stod op saa rød, som en brændende Glød! Meaning: “A delightful weather! The sun rose as red as a burning coal!” In Danish, of course, this has rhyme and rhythm, and the entire text is very evocative of the severe, yet beautiful landscape of a Jutland winter.

In Blicher’s time, Danish used more French loan words than it does now. This was then considered chic, whereas now, it is more chic to be Nordic. So Blicher’s original text refers to the weather as “plaisant,” or pleasant, whereas the modernized version I originally read calls it “dejlig,” or delightful.

Today we have “a delightful weather” here. I woke up knowing that I had slept a long time, and that the sun was not directly above my head. It is very late, I thought. I will miss hiking, and eating delicacies, on the holiday! Actually, it was still early. I was reminded then of Blicher’s words.

The earliness of the hour meant that I had time to read e-mail and blog comments. This, I had not foreseen. So, people interested in seeing a few kinder, gentler words from me about a certain institution against which I have been railing lately in my own comment threads, can look here. People who have taken the trouble to discover my name in real life and attempt to post it here anonymously–and from nonexistent e-mail addresses, furthermore–have not been published.

Regarding the tiresome questions in those anonymous comments: yes, I really am a professor. Yes, I really do have credentials and expertise. No, I do not have a particularly stellar curriculum vitae. Yes, I am fully aware of this. No, I am not hiding it. Nor am I “faking” anything on this site. I once saw an actual license plate saying:

Thanks to Melissa, I now have this .jpg version of that license plate, for the benefit of actual fakers with too much time on their hands.

I really do not feel I owe any justifications for writing this blog to anonymous individuals with fake e-mail addresses. However, since I am a kind person–kinder, evidently, than these commentators–I will say, once again, what it is that I am doing here: recovering my writing voice. If you have ever had one, and lost it, you will know how difficult that is. I cannot fathom why anyone would criticize such an endeavor. I understand it even less from anyone who believes as I do, that it is important for professors to write.

II

When I was 20, I decided to be a professor. When I was 35, I found I was tired of it. I have often considered stopping. The reason I have not yet stopped is, I am unsure of the reasons why I became tired. Some of them had to do with the particular jobs I had. Others had, and still have to do with my discouragement at the state of the profession and, at the time I began having doubts, some goings-on in my research field. The most important reasons had to do with an unfortunately ill-fated, although well intentioned attempt at undergoing psychotherapy. This resulted in a long period of voicelessness. Now, I am slowly separating all of these disparate strands.

One of the reasons I attend meetings of Al-Anon, despite their instrumental role in my loss of voice back then, is that they do say, it is all right to be where you are now. I find it rather odd that anonymous individuals seem to expect to catch me by surprise when they find my actual vita–not padded or faked–and inform me that it is thinner than some, or than it might be. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that I know this. And that I am doing my best to remedy it. And that there is no intellectual or academic reason why I cannot. Anyone who knows me, knows that what most hampers me, is in fact my already too acute awareness of this problem. Anyone who actually wants to be helpful, will not send messages telling me I have no right to speak.

On the other hand, anyone who does not know me, and who is shocked at the thinness of my vita, is cordially invited to look at the vitas of other faculty at my institution and at institutions like mine. You will find the same and, unfortunately, worse. I have written positive recommendations for tenure and promotion for faculty at such institutions, which I might not write in the same terms if the institution in question had the working conditions of Berkeley or Harvard. I stand by every word I wrote, in every one of those letters. And everything I have said in such letters, has been well received.

Having been questioned quite a lot, over the years, about why I do and do not do the things I do and do not do, I can already imagine my anonymous interlocutor’s possible response to these questions. I have listened very patiently to a lot of standard advice about how to have an academic career. It is the same advice I learned myself years ago, and that I give, sincerely, when asked by others. It amazes me that, especially since I have lasted as long as I have in this profession, so many with less experience than I have, imagine I have never received this advice. My point about it, which may become clearer in some of the posts I already have planned, is that standard advice never covers everything. It always needs to be oriented towards particular individuals and situations. Otherwise, it is a mere formula. And it is against the blanket application of formulae that I rail when I rail against entities such as Al-Anon.

III

Section Three, or, A Coda on “Victimhood.” A person, possibly me, has recently been described by an anonymous person, in at least one comment thread, on at least one other blog, as unfairly claiming, or wanting, “victim status.” This, of course, is what many more importantly destructive trolls say to the authors of anti-racist sites, feminist sites, and so on. What I want to know is, when did FIGHTING BACK or ASSERTING YOURSELF get reencoded as FALSE SELF-PITY? Once again, this blog is about getting real. Some people may not like the bracing air. Nobody is forcing you to read.

Something happened to me once, which caused me to ask the advice of a white collar professional, and of the police. I said to each, “I am attempting to communicate as clearly as possible, but I seem to be having a communication problem. It may or may not be a dangerous one, I cannot tell.” The white collar professional said, “Let’s analyze this in greater detail. Perhaps we can discover a better way for you to communicate.” The policeman said, “Ma’am, this is not a COMMUNICATION PROBLEM, it is a CRIME SCENE, and I do not mean to diminish you or disempower you by saying this, but you are THE VICTIM. By attempting to improve communication, you are endangering yourself. The only way to STOP THAT is to STAND UP.”

In any case, today we have “a delightful weather” here. Good weather for hiking. We also have interesting food, although not a turkey. That is because I am not conventional.

Axé.