Monthly Archives: September 2014

Falangist modernism

I would like this book and I think I should get hold of it. (I wish we had books in our own library.) But it would be very amusing to read.

Axé.

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La voix

I always said the problem I had after Reeducation was loss of voice. And earlier on, it had apparently been difficult to get one. Someone once told me that all those sore throats I used to get as a child–it was my stress reaction–were a sign that I had something to say that I was not saying.

Voice.  The colonization of my voice earlier on. The writer’s block after Reeducation. The question of whether it was Reeducation primarily, or whether it had more to do with the earlier colonization. This has to be thought about in relation to the dreams I have, where my public self is hiding my inner self from view so as to keep it from harm.

Colonise la douleur avec ta voix.

Axé.

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Très nouveau

Just when I thought I would never be able to work on this topic without being so engulfed in various aspects of panic and claustrophobia that I would always be forced two steps back for each one forward, the panic stopped.

It used to be that I would be panicked already, and the panic would increase to intolerable degrees once I started working. Now it decreases.

There is a practical issue in all of this, that is not psychoanalytic: I was trained to think it was inevitable to undertake projects for which I was not prepared on deadlines that were unrealistically short. I always wanted to say no: work on things closer to field, on more realistic schedules, but was always falsely told that was childish.

It is the memory of those voices, and the poor decisions they urged me to take, that both fuels and supports my general panic in several ways.

In any case I am more intelligent than the average intelligent person and I think that if I can have the panic keep stopping like this I may be able to get something done.

In my case everything has to do with giving oneself enough time: both during each day, and from beginning to end of a project. I think it is a problem in academics that they are so fixated on the idea of saving time. It is so anorexic.

#OccupyHE

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Equinox

I think much of my depression and disorientation came from giving up my research focus and rhythm. Research and writing give focus and order to the day and I had always had them. I gave up a great piece of myself — more than that, I renounced most of myself — and there was no good reason for it.

I really do not like only working when there is some sort of deadline, which is the mode I fell into when I gave up focus and rhythm.

I really like only teaching two real classes, as I am now. It makes all the difference. I feel as though I am still repeating old errors, on the one hand. On the other it seems as though that era could be ending. With it ends the era of dreaming of other things, so this juncture is both happy and sad.

Also today, there is someone I envy. Envy is not an emotion I normally have. But I am envious of one who did not self-destruct. And was willing to step on people. And is now happy and admired. If I had psychoanalysis I would look at this, because it is a point of pain.

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Post du jour

On the paralysis of guilt.

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What can I do for ME?

First: be good to myself and not panic.

Next: the links on that page, the Raza cósmica bibliography, the course poster [WHICH CAN WAIT], the grading, and the application.

There is of course this paper which must be dealt with [WHICH CANNOT WAIT].

But for the rest of this day, the grading and a walk and some sleep would be things I could do for ME.

That would do the most to advance all agendas, those three things, inmediatamente.

It is I who have learned to stand in my own way because of having been taught it was illegitimate that I could do these things, and inappropriate that I should be happy.

I still have not unearthed that student’s paper and I must do it.

#OccupyHE

Axé.

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Cuéntame como pasó

I am a late discoverer of Cuéntame como pasó and watching it, I realize I am Spanish. I, too, remember the things this program remembers, and feel interpellated by the “nosotros” in the theme song.

The show speaks to everyone, and is light as it must be, for television. The episode here embedded is heavy, though, and everyone should see it. I think it is suggesting that after all, despite Franco, things went better in Spain or resolved themselves sooner than they did back in the USSR. There is another, less conciliatory episode, however, where the new Spanish state is described by a dark character as a kingdom of forgetfulness.

Here is one academic piece on the series. Here is another. Send me more.

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