In the mindfulness group, people brought two things up: childhood PTSD and reactions to abandonment and neglect. The feeling that if you are not perfect you will be on the street. There are reasons to think about this in relation to my mother’s childhood and also mine.
That is a short paragraph but an important one, to return to. Another question that came up was about desires and goals, which I was taught not to have. One could finish one’s work for the day looking forward to a pleasant evening, or have goals like finishing the quarter. But to think about what one would like in life was not legitimate. “Just graduate, then you can do whatever you want.” But the moment to think about what that “whatever” might be, or to experiment, never came.
Then in Reeducation one was definitely not to plan ahead. Other people could, but I was less-than and not qualified, said Reeducation. These characteristics of my first education and of Reeducation made me sad, but now I am seeing that having desires and goals, and making plans, is for everyone.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 