I also see perfectly what I was trying to make a radical break from and why, at a psychological level, it was virtually impossible to keep working in that field. Yes, in the best of all possible worlds one could have done it but it was far more realistic to switch. And what I considered … More And also
But really, I find everything is fine and people including me think of things in too fraught a way. If you have any trouble academia is not for you, or if it is not the only thing for you then you are a traitor to the cause, it is said. Why is loyalty coerced in … More Everything is fine
So at one of the receptions I ran into a heavy researcher who asked me about a teaching project and said my ideas on teaching are right. Do you see? I am not actually crazy. #OccupyHE Axé.
One of my great problems is that I was always told it was important, for survival, not to be teaching oriented, and then only ever got jobs where teaching was the most important thing. I am intellectually challenging generally, so I am often considered a “bad” teacher. It has been made more than clear to … More Des étudiants
When I was a new assistant professor, starting the first day and lasting until Reeducation, I had an amount and kind of teaching and service that professors at R1 institutions do not dream of and especially, do not dream of not having the option of saying no to. I, as a student from such an … More How to get a lot written at a teaching and service oriented institution
…asked Hattie. I am actually working on a list, but it does not include some things I was told and that are interesting, including: * People get up in the morning and ask themselves, what can I do for ME today? And then they do that thing first. Apparently I really mistreat myself and do … More What would help?
I will not reiterate but we have to consider my professional self destruction as some misguided attempt at positive rebellion, find out what I was trying to do that was positive, hold on to that. I am so tired. I wish I could understand the past and I wish most of my past had not … More More positive
“You should not be doing research.” “Your research identity is proof of your failure as a person.” I should have just laughed but I was terrified and wanted to disappear. It is a not good idea to look into this abyss but I carry so much pain in me all the time. (I have also … More Was it the kernel…?
You just have to start and keep going, since it gets better, as I have been saying since the sixth grade. Part of the reason I stopped writing at a certain point was that it was the only thing I knew for sure I knew how to do. “Just write” means do not delay starting, … More How to write
I can list them now. 1. Self respect.2. Sense of reality.3. Ability to trust anyone. At the time, I said the problem was that I had contracted self-hatred. That is true, too, but this list is more useful. I know what one can say: if I lost them that easily, I did not have them … More Things I lost in psychotherapy
