I was to re-experience the feeling that people want to get rid of you, force you onto the street. I had this feeling from early on and had finally shaken it before I went into Reeducation. Shockingly, Reeducation wanted me to take that burden up again, take it up doubly. The basic message of analysis/Reeducation … More One of the last psychoanalytic posts – notes
I think I am over Reeducation. At least very close. I like my name Coldhearted Scientist but wonder whether I should get a new one for this phase. Axé.
Recently, I’ve had some days where I felt well here, bringing summer relaxation from Europe and keeping the bubble around me. Not all days, and right now I am not doing well. All of this is to say I shouldn’t prevent myself from feeling well, don’t need to transfer pain onto work, don’t need to … More Comment vivre
There was just something so unsettling about it, I assume maturity and good will as a rule and I am always surprised not to find it. One should be more suspicious, perhaps, but I don’t know. There’s been something deep about this interaction though, somehow related to my mother asking for so much effort and … More A strange interaction
And typed out may sound incomprehensible to anyone but me. But I realized, just as I had realized earlier that I’d let my detractors take over my body and I had to get it back, that I’ve let them take over my work. If I get it back, I won’t have to struggle with them … More It’s a revolution
This is actually quite good. I don’t feel the authority or focus to write, I want to to hide and heal, but what if I can meditate for some minutes and do that, and writing is a sanctuary that rebuilds the self? My relationship with the world. I don’t really deserve to be recognized or … More Writing resistance August 20
The 1970 short “Meeting the Man.” He talks about the constant murder of Black people and how he left the US because he was sure it would kill him. He also says that most people do not love, or want to be free. “The world is held together by the love and passion of a … More Baldwin again
In the mindfulness group, people brought two things up: childhood PTSD and reactions to abandonment and neglect. The feeling that if you are not perfect you will be on the street. There are reasons to think about this in relation to my mother’s childhood and also mine. That is a short paragraph but an important … More Things related to my mother
Dysregulation, or a term, emotional dysregulation. I realize now that when Reeducation said I had no feelings, or could not feel my feelings, it meant that according to it, I should be dysregulated, based on its interpretation of my background. So I had to be dysregulated and hiding it, or I was not dysregulated but … More A vocabulary word
Someone said: 1/ They follow someone who defended the downtrodden and stood up to every authority, every oppressor, all alone. They admire this 2/ They know they are abusing people, hiding behind each other and acting in group think 3/ When someone actually takes a Christlike position, they are terrified 4/ And try to destroy … More On Christian Culture
coldhearted scientist وداد 