In Reeducation, as we know, my ability to remain objective and maintain a certain level of detachment from things was considered to be a lack of affect … when really it was just a professional skill, as well as an unwillingness to participate in histrionics. Did I need really destructive treatment … a lethal blow … More De l’objectivité
Stand up for yourself. But if I do, I will be killed. But what if that is not true any longer? That is the exercise for this week. For the semester and the future, sweeping away all the complex cobwebs, the line and program is: 1. The original disaster happened because I was too intimidated … More For this week
It had a quotation about advising people on graduate school that I thought was smart but that bothered me in the end. I killed it by mistake but perhaps that was a good thing. I am going to stop railing about academic advice because in the end it is a personal issue, I am talking … More In which I find I have inadvertently killed a post
I also see perfectly what I was trying to make a radical break from and why, at a psychological level, it was virtually impossible to keep working in that field. Yes, in the best of all possible worlds one could have done it but it was far more realistic to switch. And what I considered … More And also
You cannot do it while tearing yourself down. I told Reeducation I could not afford the kind of self destruction it wanted and I was right. I told the academic advisors that my problem was not not knowing how to write but having had my hands cut off, as it were, and they did not … More More on how to write
When I was a new assistant professor, starting the first day and lasting until Reeducation, I had an amount and kind of teaching and service that professors at R1 institutions do not dream of and especially, do not dream of not having the option of saying no to. I, as a student from such an … More How to get a lot written at a teaching and service oriented institution
“You should not be doing research.” “Your research identity is proof of your failure as a person.” I should have just laughed but I was terrified and wanted to disappear. It is a not good idea to look into this abyss but I carry so much pain in me all the time. (I have also … More Was it the kernel…?
You have to be in a position to be calm and comfortable and keep a clear head. No writing or efficiency advice works if you do not establish this first. It is trickier than one would think and I did not know this before I first lost this kind of situation — did not know … More Ya lo he dicho
I am still thinking about these posts on motivation. What do you need to move forward? Not technique by this time, or interest in project — technique helps and some level of interest is needed, but the fundamental need is peace of mind. You need a clear head. You need to be comfortable enough. You … More A clear mind
I was happy today because work was going well. I have been impaired for so long I barely know what this is like. It is another planet. In the meantime I was meditating on this post and thread. I could repeat various points. If desire were enough, it would also be true that hard work … More Extrinsic and intrinsic
coldhearted scientist وداد 