…torture, is what is self-imposed, that is to say, is what I have a choice not to do, now.
I have great difficulty distinguishing between depression … laziness … incompetence … refusal to use good strategies … self sabotage that is bad … and activities that may look like self sabotage but are not, because they are messages: “you should not be doing this / you should not be doing this in this way.”
I have so many unfinished papers, it is a terrible shame, and so many other unfinished things, but it is all since Reeducation. The only part of it that is a mere practical problem has to do with life at my current institution, where I have not put up enough resistance (due to my Reeducated training, of course, but still I have not put up enough resistance).
By chance I found today the manuscript I was working on at the time of Reeducation, that I did not finish or could not finish and also decided was not good. It is very good and it is vigente even today. With it was a transcript I had made of a session with this psychotherapist I was seeing, because I was so outraged. I had not remembered exactly how outrageous this individual’s tone was. It was utterly breathtaking.
So it is no wonder I have difficulty speaking. I would like to get over this, however.