coldhearted scientist وداد

One reason I like the blog Slaves of Academe is the title itself. When I wonder, what are we doing here? How did we get here? Why is it like this? I can remember, it is because we are slaves of academe. That clarifies things.

I

Assiduous readers may have guessed that one reason I have this blog is to dust off of myself the humdrum nature of my professor job, the lackluster nature of the town it is in, and the penury which prevents me from departing this town more often. These are the questions I have when I am tired:

1. Is it this particular job and its circumstances, or the career itself, which so often makes my eyes glaze over? In other words, if I were more in love with the career, would the job itself be easier?

Conventionally wise answer: You should be able to rise above the circumstances of your particular job. Ignore the job, and focus on the career. That will work. If not, you’ve discovered the answer: change careers.

This, I think, is the falsely ‘realistic’ answer. It expects people to be like machines, able to ignore the surroundings in which they work 10 hours a day, the tasks they are actually assigned at these jobs, and the towns in which they live.

Consider the opposite answer: It’s not that you are not enough in love with the career, it is that you are too interested in it. If you were less interested, it would be easier to renounce those aspects of it which are unavailable in the jobs you’ve had.

I think this answer is truer. It expresses idealism and desire. My “reeducation” taught that idealism and desire were bad things, but in point of fact, they have always served me well. I think I should claim them back.

2. Is the question 1 the right question? What would my answer to it be if I were not also struggling to revive and repopulate the shell of self I have left after reeducation?

2.1. Is it possible, in the present circumstances, to revive and repopulate this shell of self enough so that it can catapult me back into real life?

I can think of various answers to these questions. The one I like is, this battle has already been won. When I switch off the lessons of my reeducation, taking the authority to do so, I see that that shell of self always was much more than a shell.

II

The main lesson of my reeducation, as I have finally realized, was renunciation of self. The whitemen in charge of this reeducation believed it possible to simultaneously renounce self and yet continue to function at a high level. This, as I foretold, only converted everything into drudgery. I have been told that only happened because I wanted it to, that it was a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” but I think it is scientifically valid: if you systematically annihilate yourself, it does become hard to function. You necessarily find yourself caught in a dark wood.

I would like to see how I feel about my professor job if I can keep the renunciation of self switch turned firmly off. And as I say, I think the way to keep it off is to say, the battle is already won. It is only necessary to stay in your winning place, do not step aside.

I have no idea whether this sentence, that the battle is already won, is true. But I have considered the problem, and I am convinced it is the only useful thing to say.

Axé.