I
1. This page looks terrible in LINUX, or at least in the version I have and the browsers I have.
2. The exam I gave today was very hard to fail, if you studied, but very hard to pass, if you did not. All students who had failing averages before the exam, have now passed the course. Many students who had good averages before the exam, have seen their grades sink.
II
I have undertaken a project which requires some strength. I am by nature strong, and this is something I learned to curb in my Reeducation. I am constantly amazed at how deep the reeducation went. It flashes up at me, saying it is not all right to use your own judgment and it is not all right to be an autonomous, conscious being. This weblog, as assiduous readers know, is my de-reeducation technique.
My reason for seeking psychotherapy, back in the day, was to better learn how to identify, deflect, and recover from certain kinds of intellectual and emotional abuse – a problem had been aware of since I was about five, but which I could not name.
When I was in my twenties and living abroad, where everything was inexpensive if you had hard currency, I made my first foray into psychotherapy. Five or six times I saw a very bright, very experienced, heavily Freudian woman. I will repeat, she was bright and deep. If I had had then the ultra-strong reading skills I have now, I might have been able to read her Freudianisms against their own grain, and learn from her.
My skills were not so strong then, and she was not fully equipped to comprehend someone so unconcerned with marriage and reproduction. I stopped for that reason. What she said about my stopping was very interesting: Yes, we are very different culturally, perhaps too different to work well together on this project. But I am also not convinced you need to see anyone, at least not in any urgent way: you already know how to reflect, and at bottom, that is all we really teach.
I thought this was a nice statement, and it was a positive place to leave matters. But there was an important part of her diagnosis that I missed. She was informing me that she saw no major problem. I would have done well to remember that ten years later, when I embarked upon my Reeducation, whose lemma was, in essence, everything you think you know is wrong. Assume the worst and be humble. Abbandonate tutta speranza, voi ch’entrate.
III
My unfinished novel Madrid – an autobiography, like all first novels – begins with a play on Vicente Huidobro’s poem Altazor, bedtime reading for me as a child. The novel is in Spanish, but in English it would start, I was born at age zero. My mother realized immediately that I had a tongue and ten fingers. Emerging, I said, how beautiful! I am in the world again! We will walk in the sand, say interesting things, and draw with colored pencils!
Before reeducation, I was like that. I dreamed when I was asleep, but I could hardly wait to wake up. I would curl my toes. I said, it is another day! We will touch air and say things, and see video clips. We will trace out words, and draw with colored pencils. We will watch trees move, sing songs, and see wavelets.
In reeducation, I learned to say this instead. Now I make sure to say at the very least, you have the right to use your judgment. You have the right to lead an autonomous life. And I am told, you cannot go back. Still I think that in the future, I would like to draw with colored pencils, and see wavelets.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
I heard a really, really Barbie sorority girl (she actually had a pink sweatshirt on with green and pink plaid Greek letters and a green and pink plaid bow in her hair with little thingies dangling down from ribbons) complaining one time to a professor… She said, “Uhhh, well, if you’d like, told us that was going to be on the test – well – I mean… I would have at least looked at it.”
I laughed.
I remember her specifically because she blasted me in class one day after I had to give a brief oral tap dance regarding the topic of a paper I was planning… general topic… blah blah blah – British Romanticism / Orientalism. She said and I’ll paraphrase – you really should pick something less obscure, none of us have ever heard of that.
I laughed.
I’m sorry, I’m rambling.
Normative dissonance is a terrible thing, Z. The replacement of your true-to-yourself-norms-set by those of an oppressor is a crime. Internal coherence is all, and is healthy. External vaidation should be reserved for examinations alone, knowledge-based rather than norm-based. Seems to me you have a pack of coloured pencils with you already :o)
On a digression, I am viewing this in Firefox on Linux and it looks fine–FWIW.
Professor Z… I’m glad I came back – you’ve added more to your post… my first comment was re: I…
I want to say thank you, sincerely. I think all too often in ‘blogland’ people are quick to slip into an overly friendly, hyper-appreciative, happy puppy response mode. But what you say in this post resonates deeply with me and you write so beautifully.
Sometimes, now, I can feel the real me. I’m getting closer each day.
As am I.
I read today that James Lee Burke (one of my favorite detective novelists) was at one point in despair over being turned down by ninety-three publishers before finding one who would publish The Lost Get-Back Boogie, which was then nominated for a Pulitzer prize…
On one hand, I’m reeling under the daunting task that lays before me in the process of getting published. On the other, I’m thinking, “I see…”
Somehow, I feel a connection between what you’ve written here (so beautifully) and what I’m feeling.
My university is trying to save money by having a kind of cheesy once-a-month call from a health adviser (instead of actual appointments with specialists, therapists, etc). I signed up for it because if you do it you get $65, and I’m all for cash incentives, but with no expectation that it would be useful. But once, that phone rang just when I was at my wits’ end about something, and I ended up formulating an action plan and making a series of appointments as a result–not because the person said anythng new or wise, but just because she was a sympathetic, non-judgemental ear at just the right moment. Now, a month later, I have completed several of the steps of my action plan and just as I was composing a letter that I hope will initiate some major changes in my work/health life, the phone rang again. All the person on the other end really had to say was something like, “good for you! it sounds as if you are doing what you need to take care of yourself” but it was incredibly comforting and motivating. Isn’t that weird? talking to an utter strange once a month has helped me get moving on some major life changes that I have been contemplating for years, or, alternatively, I suppose I was in the process of making those changes, and these conversations were like little phone calls from the universe to say “right on!”
I love the image of little PZ curled up in bed listening to “Altazor”! Last night, my daughter asked me to tell her a story from when I was young. We ended up remembering books we had read together when she was very young instead.
ah – i was gonna suggest Foxfire to view it..but see you already have
this video was scary shit — seriously…and re-education…well we culd use thta to our advantage or mis-use it like the propoganda machine of the rich white male….sigh
Hey azgoddess, yes, I’ve got Firefox but the thing is, it looks fine in Windows and Mac, but fuzzy and homemade (comparatively speaking) in Suse/Suze LINUX 9.2, the version I currently have. I haven’t figured out the plugins for that either, so I’m not sure. The concept is, have the page so that it looks good in ANYTHING.
Gracias, Amy, Charlie [astute point], CS, everyone. I like James Lee Burke, too! 🙂
Altazor and much else of Huidobro, kids love it because it plays with words. Albeit without diacriticals, try this: “Si j’etais ruisseau ou bien touriste / vous m’aimeriez tous comme on aime les artistes” or “Je n’ai pas de chapeau, et pas d’ombrelle / j’attends toujours une aureole fidele.” Silly and fun.
Dad was writing his tenure book in longhand on the living room couch at night, and had to get us to sleep so he could do it. He amused us while also getting himself into work mode by reading the fun parts of the texts he was working with.
This is why I think school is funny and fun, I guess, but my original shrink and Al-Anon sponsor both thought it SHOULD be a space of pain, and that I was “in denial” if I disagreed.
Good for you, JoannaO! I’ve been seeing a very smart anxiety expert because certain recent local events have given me the shakes, not normal for me. Had I ever experienced this before, asked he? Yes, once, in the context of that shrink and that Al-Anon sponsor.
Those two said it was because I had “fear of change,” and that it was a symptom of “resistance.” This was devilish for obvious reasons. I escaped, but not before learning some weird and destructive lessons.
It’s only because of the current context that I’ve finally been able to understand fully what it was that went on THEN which also caused me to tremble and quake.
this video was scary shit — seriously…and re-education…well we culd use thta to our advantage or mis-use it like the propoganda machine of the rich white male
It reminded me of A Clockwork Orange and corporate employee orientation.
In the gay nineties, the rich white men propagandized for their moral gurus by demonizing American populism. They stereotyped the poor, white redneck who was too stupid to understand why the government had to destroy his community, his educational system, his religion, his job…it was for his own good, to make him a citizen of the world.
Until then, I thought all radicals were a bunch of whiny, miseducated ideologues…but I found myself identifying with real people who were being hurt by the establishment because they trusted it too much. Now, I think that people who buy into political propaganda deserve what they get.
Corporate employee orientation, very interesting!!! That explains a lot. I have never been to such an orientation, at least not to one labeled as such, but I certainly do know what it is to have an institutional culture inculcated…. And actually, I just had an illumination on this. My professors in graduate school, normally collegial and very professional about classes and exams, turned nasty about my dissertation and the grant I had during that time, for reasons I never understood: it was a good dissertation, written on time, the funding was good, etc. I never figured out why they were so weird about it, especially since they DID want me to finish and were GOOD about the job market. Whence the weirdness, I wondered, and why was it starting AT THAT POINT? But perhaps it was because I was being initiated into the corporation. (I thought my PhD exam was that initiation, but oh well.) It makes sense as corporate employee orientation, in light of what you say. Perhaps not so concidentially, there actually is a version of the Jantelov oriented towards that.
Buying into political propaganda, the thing is, if the propaganda is everywhere and is presented as truth, it’s hard to avoid. I notice this with students all the time, and others as well: lack of information makes one easy prey to propaganda. –Z
Surprisingly relevant to all of this is Heart’s post, here:
Conservative Christian Women….
If you read it and follow the links to the posts it discusses, you’ll see how this conservative Christian woman pastor gets castigated for kindly pointing out certain problems with sexism.
I learned a lot because the people complaining at her sound EXACTLY like Al-Anon people, going on about being humble and obeying. It really makes me realize what it is I have actually been listening to when I’ve gone to Al-Anon: THIS STUFF dressed up in slightly more secular language.
I also learned a lot about my Problematic Therapist from it: he was similar, you have to obey [self-help industry] Scripture, not think for yourself; all signs of individuality were somehow false illusions, you had to shed them to get into the fold of the healthy.
Then there are my current trolls, who say, essentially, that I am not “real” – i.e., I need to stop showing signs of individuality (the blog) to get back to “reality.”
…I had this entirely clear in a flash while I was making coffee (yes, that was a real action I undertook as the non-PZ me, while thinking about PZ-ness, ooohhh), but now I am not being entirely articulate on it. My point is, the parallelisms: YOU MUST NOT BE A PERSON, and YOU MUST NOT SPEAK.
What people are saying to this pastoress 😉 is unsophisticated and bald-faced, but it has the very same structure as the other (essentially abusive) speech people use to shut up women.
And, since writing here is more magical and transformative than in any other venue, I will put down a note: all recent illuminations on self, work, and ‘reeducation’ are essentially feminist ones. ‘You cannot be a woman AND do x, y, z: things which a PERSON needs to do.’ What is debilitating: not realizing that THAT is the message, getting attention deflected towards other possible causes. This might bear further reflection. Notes toward a future post.
Then there are my current trolls, who say, essentially, that I am not “real” – i.e., I need to stop showing signs of individuality (the blog) to get back to “reality.”
This type of troll is obviously living in a fairytale. Perhaps he should unplug the computer if he wants to find reality.
Corporate employee orientation is a fairytale told in a singsong voice by an Evil HR Queen. Everyone will live happily ever after, she says, if you are sensitive to everyone else’s officially defined checkbox group identity, and stifle your own individuality. Later you learn the more important lesson, not to mock the King, or the ogres will come and drag you away.