I
Much is said of the “victim mentality” but I have rarely met anyone who had it, and those who did were primarily privileged individuals who felt entitled to even more. I think the fiction of the “victim mentality” as a characteristic of victims is a tool of those who would have us excuse perpetrators and look away from the structural causes of oppression. Now from Laurelin in the Rain we have a discussion of the “perpetrator mentality.” And I quote:
You might just have perpetrator mentality if:
– You believe that certain people are deserving of being victimised;
– You enjoy victimising;
– You have contempt for those who have suffered at the hands of another;
– You believe that your actions, however vile, are excusable;
– You don’t like to take responsibility;
– You refuse to believe that society is unfair to anyone;
– You believe that people somehow oppress themselves;
– You deny others their rights as human beings.
Read the whole post, and do not miss the comments thread. Via Unsane.
II
On the counseling of victims, I have noticed an odd fact. At one point in the past, I attended some group counseling sessions at a domestic violence center. Women were being counseled that, when they started to date again, they should conceal the fact that they had been victims of domestic violence. Men who wanted to find women to victimize, it was said, would then know they had found a mark.
I found this strange. If that is who the man is, would you really want to continue seeing him? What if it were true that, not knowing you had been mistreated and therefore, might be again, he behaved well and you became more deeply involved – thus only discovering who he really was when it had become difficult to escape?
And yet. I mentioned the other week to someone I know slightly, but have known for some time, that I had been a victim of verbal and emotional abuse, and had been somewhat cyber-terrorized through this blog at one point. The very next time I saw him, he pulled a verbal abuse scene, out of a clear blue sky.
I thought of the dictum, don’t tell anyone, and it gave me pause. Is it true what they told me in the seventies, all men would be perpetrators, given the chance? I do not wish to believe this, and I am glad to know what I now know about this man. I believe I shall wear my diaphanous screen more assiduously.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
I had the situation of someone to whom I had mentioned my father and boss’s abuse and who then became abusive. The thing is that it was a great mistake for him to reveal himself to me in an abusive manner because (a significant point from my stories that he had overlooked) he had no technical power of me (economic, or in terms of choice of living quarters) so I was not required to stay there with him.
Abusers often miss the key point — that the potential victim is often in a much more psychological powerful position now, having seen through into the minds of the perpetrator, than she had been before the abuse.
Abusers are opportunists. But, you know?– really, really dumb.
Dumb is the key point. One of the errors I have made in the past is to overlook this. Assuming intelligence, I’ve said look, here are the logical conclusions of what you are saying. Do you not see how ridiculous and useless this path is? And no, they do not, even when it means self-destruction for them.
And then there is my X, the abusive one, who kept writing to this blog saying I was not intelligent enough to be writing these words. He was blown away when I took him to court for stalking, could not believe I was capable of it (and I had no lawyer, which made it all the more mind-blowing, it seems). 😉
Right. They don’t see it. And right. It often means self destruction for them — and even afterwards, they will not see it.
I’ve known lots and lots of perps at work and have developed an instinct for them. What made this possible for me is that these men had been identified as perps and imprisoned for their actions.
I’ve also known many many men who would never victimize anyone.