coldhearted scientist وداد

1.

E’s original supposition was that I do not appreciate our great state enough, because I am “a snob from California” [sic] who looks down on Louisiana because it is not moneyed enough for me. I pointed out that I am a state worker, not a tourist, that I have been a state worker here for some time, and that there are some aspects of the culture I find very problematic.

I did not make a parallel sally at E, suggesting, as I might have, that he is here because he thinks it is easier to get away with poor behavior here than elsewhere in the United States (I have known Europeans who came for this reason), or because he thinks he can lord it over people here by being French (I have known French people who came for this reason). For one thing it would have been terribly rude. For another, I had no reason to think ill of him despite the assumptions he already seemed to have made about me.

And if E knew the kind of moneyed work atmosphere I actually left, on purpose, the first time I came to Louisiana with great relief, he would know how utterly ridiculous his assumptions, or his projections were. He did not really ask, however, he just assumed.

2.

The past few days in Texas we were two girls from South Louisiana, one not from here originally but who has seroconverted, and another who is originally from here but who has been living and working elsewhere for some time. And we talked about how relaxing it was to be in a less complicated place, where it was not so customary for people to trample upon one another 24/7 as it is back home.

And I am the last person to deny that South Louisiana has a culture but what that phrase “South Louisiana is the best place/one of the best places in the world” means to me has a lot to do with who says it. I hear it from people who appreciate what the area has to offer, and I understand and agree with that. But most often I hear this phrase from:

+ Parents who want to guilt trip children into staying close to home, or frighten them out of experiencing anything else;

+ Other persons in positions of power who would like to perpetuate the underdevelopment (e.g. poor funding for education, arts, affordable housing, levees, and so on) which benefits THEM, and who therefore do their best to promote the idea that things are just wonderful as they are (so long as we get a few more franchise restaurants, a bit more “gaming,” and a lot more Creationism, of course);

+ People who “like” it because they think, or know, they can get away with more here than they can elsewhere.

3.

I have explained to E why the suggestion that I, an “intellectual snob” from California, should submit to every aspect of the local culture and not just embrace those I actually enjoy and accept those I cannot avoid, is hurtful to me in particular.

What I did not emphasize enough was probably that his supposition was outrageously out of line in the first place, and that it became moreso as he reiterated it despite requests to stop that would have worked on someone less presumptuous.

4.

E says he knows he seems spoiled. I do not find him spoiled at all but as I say, I find his idea that he can tell people what their reality is based on just a few stereotypes is presumptuous.

Having money and being discreet about it is one of E’s themes. I wish he would not worry about this. His father is in trade, after all, and talking about money is not a characteristic of the upper crust. He may be able to impress some of the oil czars in this town with Frenchness and an upper middle class attitude, but in many places those characteristics would not be exceptional — nor would they suggest nobilitatem.

5.

I ranted and raved the other night via Facebook Chat with another Cajun friend about the evils of French persons in the United States generally, and of French influence in Louisiana in particular. According to us, thes included:

+ the disorganization and the lack of infrastructure

+ the self serving attitude of doing whatever serves one’s present purposes, with no thought to others or to the future

+ the idea that it is all right to trample on everyone, including other French people, because one is superior/entitled or has the right to project one’s everything into everyone.

We have rather prejudiced views, of course, but we believe that to some extent, these views are based on experience and insight.

6.

A thread running through our conversations in Texas was that Louisiana was constantly exhausting and draining because one has to constantly navigate oneself through what amounts to abuse, which is inevitable if you interact with anyone (and is not just something you “attract” to yourself because you are “flawed”).

Plantation culture + exploitative carpetbaggers + French snobbishness + large amounts of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and irresponsible sexual activity, ostensibly to dull the pain of items 1, 2, and 3, but really just to add to the chaos = our messy culture here.

Snob = sine nobilitate. No title. Not of the highest class. Social climbers. Parvenus. Fakers. I have met more such people in this state than I could shake a stick at.

7.

The four U.S. States in which I have lived and worked full time for more than a summer are California, Louisiana, Oregon, and Illinois. My favorite was Illinois because that was the best university I have worked at full time, and except for Chicago, which is always fun to explore, the state was new, foreign, and exciting to me. I also liked how well things worked.

My second favorite state to live and work in was Oregon, because this state is less corrupt than the others, it had a good and pleasant university backed up by excellent public schools, because Oregonians are kind and because the scenery is spectacular, despite the fact that the architecture and the music leave something to be desired in comparison to New Orleans.

Next, of course, I like California because it is home, and it is beautiful. Its universities, although somewhat tattered now, still have a great deal to offer, and there is still less naked exploitation than there is here in Louisiana.

I like Louisiana the least because it offers the least opportunities and the worst landscape and weather for my taste. Also, Louisiana culture is so closely imbricated with and based upon patriarchy and sexism, enforced via verbal and emotional abuse, that I find daily life here very draining. It is hard to conserve energy for the work I really want to do.

However I chose Louisiana over various other states and I had my reasons. They are positive reasons and I still do not understand how E, on the basis of so much less experience, commitment and engagement than I have here, presumes to teach me how to feel about it.

8.

The week E first told me I was a snob from California who looked down on Louisiana because this state was not moneyed enough, I had stood before the Board of Pardons on behalf of one of my fellow citizens. I had allowed some members of the board to berate me for trusting someone who had been conviceted a crime. I chose to do this over walking in the park or listening to a band, things which can be done any time. I chose that because I live here and being a citizen means solidarity. If E ever undertakes such activity, he will begin to have more original things to say about this place, and I will take more interest in his comments on this state.

9.

One of E’s big issues appears to be that I attended UC Berkeley whereas he is only here. He believes that in UC Berkeley one lives the big life. It is true the university itself has a great deal to offer, that tuition has risen sharply in recent years, making it much more expensive than it was when I went there, and that rich students can have an opulent life there given what is available in the area.

So for E, who did not go there, UC Berkeley means certain things, but for me it meant that students who passed the entrance requirements and could amass, one way or another, the $600 yearly it cost in tuition, had access to a really stellar library and faculty.

And for E and many others, having studied at UC Berkeley means having gone to parties at David Lodge’s “Euphoric State.” And it is true that the campus is beautiful and the weather is good, and that there are many cultural opportunities. But the first actual drink I had at UC Berkeley was a whiskey at Larry Blake’s after my PhD exam. We could not have experimented with drugs and also passed our courses, and this was our one opportunity to take a good degree from a good university, and we chose that. And yes, we did have some fun along the way.

But to me UC Berkeley means teaching classes full of brown faces, first generation students commuting in from working class districts in San Francisco and points south, up from Oakland and Hayward, and down from Richmond. It means making sure you have enough rice to last to the end of the month. It means tracking down odd documents in the library, and studying Saturday nights after meeting with Upward Bound kids in the morning.

And E does not know that despite some help I had, it was a struggle for me to get to UC Berkeley, and it took work to pass. And that some of those commuting in on BART from working class districts in San Francisco have made far better careers than I, and that I am grateful for the work they have done and for the ways in which it supports my much smaller time projects.

Nor does he know how humiliating it was when professors from the East would announce to us that as Californians we could not be intelligent, or know how to work. Or how hard it has been since, in other states and other schools, to be told to lose the sense of entitlement people insist we must have, and to dampen the skills we worked so hard to acquire.

And he does not imagine how grateful I am to the aunt who helped me go there, and to the state which at that time made it possible for middle class people like me and others less privileged than I to study at such a place. And I had trusted E, but he has wounded me deeply and he does not know.

Axé.