A band has moved in across the street and their music is pretty. I am taking a page from Momo and declaring that this has been a brain chemistry day, and it’s all right.
But I do not wish to be a flyswatter. This weblog exists to grind certain ideas to a fine subatomic powder and then to extract the poisons from this, such that the powder can never reconstitute itself to an idea or harm the compost heap. It is not my intention to grind actual living beings, only ideas. It is, however, MY weblog. On it I will speak the words I have to say.
And it is odd indeed that I have become a flyswatter, or taken on flyswatter like characteristics. It was one of the first steps in Reeducation. Reeducation noticed my stoicism and called it lack of feeling / lack of empathy. It said I might be accused of Serious Illness if I did not react more strongly to small irritants. Initially I said it would be impractical to do so, there were so many of these each day and one had to choose.
Reeducation’s eyes grew large and sad when I said this and I had a double reaction — bad in two ways. On the one hand, I thought, oh no, I might be making it cry, I had better have some reactions here so it is not too disappointed. On the other I thought, oh dear, it is displeased. And it has the power to diagnose me with a Serious Illness, and to make me take Drugs, if I do not have some reactions here.
I said to Reeducation: I may not react so strongly to daily irritations as you wish, but notice the reaction I have to your assessment of that. This is a very problematic reaction, and it is an excellent example of the precise reason I have sought your advice.
Reeducation looked at me rather blankly then and finally said, it is good that you notice those feelings. That is what I would like to see you do more of — feel your feelings.
Now, in retrospect I see that what had happened was, Reeducation did not know what to say. I was not used to this because I was used to professors. These entities, when they did not know what to say, would announce that they were stumped and would refer one somewhere. On the other hand, if one had arrived at a central paradox in the literature, they would stare back and say yes, that is the problem. If you want to get further, you will have to join the people now chipping away at it.
At the time I thought Reeducation was doing this last thing. I did not realize it may only have been covering for itself so as to maintain authority. I thought the meaning of the interaction was, I must “feel more feelings,” i.e. let people get to me more, become more of a flyswatter. It was against my better judgment but I did it, saying, I have done things before like turn in papers before I thought they were good enough, and take exams I was not sure I was ready for, and my fears turned out to be unfounded.
I know better now and I am retiring from my role as flyswatter.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
Greetings:
It’s your party. Run the blog as you choose.
GRACIAS, RE. Me encanta tu pureza.
I have the feeling I have come / am still coming down very hard, perhaps too hard, on someone who doesn’t deserve it … and that there may also be no communicative point to having come down like that.
And yet, for me, said individual, an IRL friend por más señas, sent a comment to hit me at the place of my deepest wound.
I have been struggling and struggling to figure out how to defend myself and respond without slinging back unfair verbal abuse of my own.
But your comment gave me two great ideas for quick responses:
1. Who does she think she is to preach that b.s. doctrine at me?
2. Please do not try to push Melody Beatty derived b.s. at me. Susan Faludi and others refuted that cogently ten or fifteen years ago, and it is just so passe.
Next time, I’ll know. I must get it together to send you a recipe or something, in appreciation for what you’ve inspired. 🙂
Interesting how you were projecting professorial rigour into reeducation. That’s the thing with those who will accuse one of projection — very often, if I have projected anything at all, I have projected my own better qualities into them, only to learn, later, that this had been a mistake.
And what will those ppl do at this point? If it becomes evident that I have withdrawn my interest in them, all of a sudden, they think it is because I have invested in a negative projection.
Yes – it is all quite ironic!
But maddening.
And it is one of those abuse hallmarks — all this manipulative double talk/think. When I was studying verbal abuse strategies more closely than I am now, I noticed there was a term in the popular literature for this switcheroo type tactic, which seems to be really common. I can’t remember the term / the definition / the classic examples now, will have to look this up.