coldhearted scientist وداد

“I am still on strike. If negotiations deteriorate further, I shall do nothing but play classical music,” says an upcoming post. Negotiations, however, have taken a turn for the better. I have heard from my advertiser’s agent who says it is hir understanding that a check has been mailed to me. I will remain on strike, of course, until I actually receive and cash this check, but I am much encouraged. I am playing classic rock, and I am rolling.

My actual theme song for today, however, is the rap I wrote and published in the nineties: “She was a nice white lady with a diamond ring / It was a liberal thing, it was a liberal thing….” I am learning to stand up for myself, particularly against mean white girls — now morphed into Nice White Ladies. I am practicing. It is easy to go on strike against a corporation or two, or to tell off a man. But I am programmed to take pity on mean white girls, especially if they have harder lives than I, and as we have discovered in this weblog, pity is not actually a kind emotion.

Originally I went to Reeducation to learn how to handle this problem. Of course Reeducation was a man, but he was very gay and effeminate. And he cast himself as pitiable, which is how I fell into his net. And then I got involved with that other Person, also a man, who also cast himself as pitiable. To this day only his supervisor and I, that I know of, in this town realize that his health crises, while real and life threatening, are staged just as Macow’s waterboarding was. And that man also threatens and advocates serious violence, and has violent hobbies. Just after I left him I discovered to my horror that his visits with his daughter take place under court ordered supervision because of threats he made. I submit to you that if I was afraid to leave, and if I felt it important to have a very good plan in place before leaving, I had good reason to feel this way. I submit to you that I was afraid of this person for good cause.

Now a white lady has written in to this weblog to announce that since I was in that relationship, I probably go haplessly from one such relationship to the next. And she is a “friend” of mine, and I would not dream of making the kind of comments she has made at me to anyone. I was about to call her on the telephone and say hey, do you want to go to the beach? And she does not have the money to rent a beach cabin, but I can scrounge that up if I work on it, and I’d have stood her for it. And I would have listened patiently when she explained to me, as she well might, that we were going to the beach in a sinful state with a sinful past. I know what she is talking about, I understand her interest in these matters, and I share her interests and views. It is just that I live in a glass house myself.

And I will tell everyone exactly what kind of relationship I DO have haplessly, one after the other — attempted friendships with mean white girls. I have done this since the third grade and I am not interested in being tolerant any more. This particular lady has decided I am “codependent” and she is exactly right — I am codependent with mean white girls. I try to be nice to them, to negotiate with them, to look past their foibles. I take what they have to say to me all too seriously. I try to negotiate again. I want them to see ME. I have the strange feeling I will not be allowed to be ME unless they also see ME. Now that is “codependency,” y’all.

When these girls and ladies are mean I tell myself that they are acting out of pain and cannot help it. If they like you and they are virtuous, it is your duty to be their friend no matter how mean they are to you, I learned early on. To be a friend is to put up with poor behavior. This was an erroneous lesson and it is what I went to Reeducation to unlearn. And it is why I dislike Reeducation’s allied organizations: they are replete with unreconstructed mean white girls and condescending white ladies.

I am talking back in this post. I am exaggerating a bit. I am being a bit sarcastic, and I am not being entirely fair. But I am at least talking back instead of taking yet more seriously (and internalizing) some kind of weirdo projection or accusation. I am still in my first steps on this matter. I will be able to step around mean white girls and “nice” white ladies more easily and graciously in the future than I am now. There are even some nice white ladies who step around each other quite graciously and I am going to emulate them — among other people.

Axé.