coldhearted scientist وداد

The authors of this text in its original form spoke in enlightened words. The original is lost, but the scribes wrote it down in its first tongue. Already in Christendom, they used Latin letters.

This is Christmas Eve, the true birthday of she who now performs the ancient text. I woke up happy and rested, and it is a beautiful day. For my birthday, the electricity in the house will, theoretically, be fixed at two o’clock. If it is not, that will be fine too, and I will still go swimming.

Best of all I have written this letter, which I will deliver in due time and in an appropriate form to its actual destinataire. As it is primarily for me, I post it here. It is an excellent birthday present. I like it very much and I am keeping what it confers upon me forever.

Dear S,

I am so glad you are willing to give the car key back to M.  Had our roles been reversed — had I borrowed your car, promising to pick you up in it, and then had second thoughts; had it been you calling me from a foreign country saying you were not happy with the change in plans I had made  — I would have said I was sorry.  Then I would have reaffirmed my original promise to pick you up and take you home.

I really had trusted you to honor the plan we had made. I was surprised when you e-mailed to revise it, and I am sorry I was not completely clear about my displeasure. I was in the middle of the hurry-up-and-wait of dealing with plumbing and electrical problems here, and the idea of changing plans at this late date was upsetting. I understood your idea, and I wanted to take some time to formulate a real response. I should not have sent off the vague answer I did.

I was taken aback when, by telephone, you kept insisting on dropping my car off in New Orleans. That would have kept me  dependent upon you, and I would have had to search after midnight for a car I had not parked myself. It seemed I was now being offered every option except those that would be satisfactory to me — either pick me up as agreed, or leave my car at my house. I am very grateful that you were, in the end, willing not to take the car back to New Orleans.

Weeks ago in person, I had explained painstaking detail why I thought it best to go straight home from the airport, why I did not think it wise to depend upon anyone else for transportation, and why, therefore, I planned to park my car there and leave it. You had another idea, and you promised you would come and pick me up when I arrived.

This was an attractive offer, almost too good to be true. I made it very clear that I knew nighttime driving would be hard on you, and that I did not want to put you through it or to be indebted in any way, or dependent upon anyone for a ride. I impressed upon you that if you really wanted to make this arrangement, you must understand and accept that I needed to go straight home.

It was very painful to have the change of plans raised — and to have it include a shared room in a motel, of all things — when I was already 7000 kilometers away and my car was in your power. There was no need for me to spend any part of this trip renegotiating how I would get back from the airport, or spending time and energy making new plans when I had in fact thought about it in detail and made a plan months ago.

Over the past twelve years I have several times accepted situations with you that were very uncomfortable for me to say the least. This time, things got far too far out of hand. I am going to clear the energy of my house by removing the things you have stored in my garage and shed. You are welcome to take anything that is yours when you leave the car key with M. Otherwise I can deliver the things when I get home. If there’s anything you don’t want I can put it out as trash / as a freebie.

I am not saying I do not appreciate you or that I am no longer your friend. I am saying that I am no longer willing to accept direction from you in ways I sometimes have in the past. When I am new in an area I tend to be tolerant of things I might not be at home, because it is I who am the guest in the culture.

Based on that I established a pattern of acquiescence with you that has never made me happy. I have struggled with you over that in ways that have caused you unfair distress and confusion as well. From now on I am going to stand my ground according to my own lights. It will be better for me in every way, and for you too, insofar as you won’t have to deal with the reactions I have when I feel I’ve been pushed into a corner.

My best to you and the family this bright new year.

Z

Axé.