Dear S,
The reason it was not appropriate to suggest staying in Kenner was that (a) I had already explained why I wanted to go home, (b) you know perfectly well I am not comfortable in “intimate” situations with you (note that I never accept invitations to sleep with you, even without sex), (c) I had already explained I was perfectly willing to leave my car there so I would have it waiting for me.
The reason it was disconcerting to have the plan suggested when it was was that (a) I was already 7000 kilometers away and you were already in possession of my car, (b) we had already discussed all of these things in quite clear detail before I left.
I know you presented your suggestion as “just a thought,” but it was out of line for all the reasons just outlined. I also know my initial response was vague. This was because I have always realized it was a big drive you were going to do that night to come get me. I had always felt funny about it, and I could understand your wanting a room. I meant to follow up my “it’s not necessarily a bad idea” with “but could it only be a backup — could we please, please plan to go home, I can drive if you are too tired.”
I cannot help wishing you had brought it all up before I left, or at least not right before you left for Christmas, to be off line for six days. That aspect of it, in addition to everything else, combined with the fact that you had my car and key and a letter saying you had permission to use it, really made me feel stuck.
I hope you understand that you were not at this point helping me, but imposing upon me. It’s my car and my trip. Your decisions that we were going to a motel, and then that you were going to drive the car to the airport ahead of time and leave it for me (putting me in a position to have to depend upon you and also be on the phone finding out where my car was) were both way out of line.
I wish I had responded with an instant NO to the “just a thought” part of your message. I do wish I had been able to respond instantly, without doubting myself. I wish I could have said right off the words it took me 24 hours to get out:
I know it is a big favor you are doing me by coming down to the airport, and I know it is going to be late at night. That is why I asked you so many times, are you sure you want to do this? But the fact is, I want to come home, and I do not want to share a motel room with you. If you are having doubts about coming down, let me rent a car.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
See my much longer email for details, but I have the sense that you are concerned about making this man angry or hurting his feelings. I think that you should remove any way he can inconvenience you, manipulate you, or exert power over you (by getting his stuff out of your house, etc.) Free yourself from him as completely as you can, and you may then find that you feel suddenly “allowed” to say bluntly that it is not acceptable for him to behave to you as he has done, and that you will not allow it.
You sound so conciliatory, so concerned with explaining yourself properly, that I worry the real problem is still he has some kind of power over you, your belongings, or your space. If you can remove this, you’ll be able to say what you need to say. If you engage with him before taking that step, though, it may harm your position rather than helping it.
That’s the short version, anyway.
Thank you! He doesn’t have access to any of my stuff. It’s more like, he still has some of my trust, or that I would really like to believe he is a better friend than he is.
P.S. If it helps, you certainly have MY permission to stop blaming yourself. This guy is a manipulative fucker, and he’s been trying to manipulate you. That’s not YOUR fault.
Correct — the manipulation attempt isn’t my fault, I’ll remember that.
What he has over me, maybe, is that I think I need his friendship … ? A few days ago I came to the conclusion that the opposite was true, that for success in life I needed to get rid of him.
When will you learn that patriarchy isn’t about communication but about avoiding communication, in bad faith?
Somebody who does that does not have the right to know any more about you.
Also true — these are advanced facts I am trying to absorb. 😉