I believe I understand at last why blogger Hattie has said she worries about me. Here is some evidence.
Friend: You are going on a research trip to Mexico City. It is not safe. Why do you not take a beach trip to Costa Rica, instead?
Z: I have things to do in Mexico. For beaches, I really miss the ones in my home town. I would choose a visit there over a visit to Costa Rica.
Friend: Why?
Z: Well, Costa Rica is not one of the countries in which I have a serious interest, and it is not inexpensive, either. And in general I am not one to seek out tropical beaches – I have stronger interests in so many other travel destinations.
Friend: There is pollution in Mexico City.
Z. Yes.
Friend: You would also sell your house to buy two small apartments in two places, you say. In apartments, you share walls with neighbors.
Z: Yes.
Friend: You would like to live in a city. You would need to get a job in one, you know.
Z (off): (Cries.)
Z: Yes, I know.
Z (off): (Feels shame.)
Every question she asked felt like a blow, but I deflected them. The last one made me cry, finally, because it was so scornful. As though I have not tried and am not trying.
I could feel my friend stepping on my head until my skull cracked and flattened. I could see the blood spurt out on the lawn.
Why did I let her do that to me, I wondered — I am dead now, and if I had not allowed her to do that, I might still be alive.
I feel that this person was being pushy and rather mean. I suspect that I am the only person who perceives the interaction in this way. Or not?
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
Your friend was being mean in this conversation. Maybe it was a bad day for her?
I understand what it feels like to be exiled from a big city, which is the only place where civilized human existence is possible. I’ll get back into a city one day for sure. And so will you. It will happen for us, my friend!
Of course, context:
1. She would really like me to validate her choices by making the same ones.
2. Observe me struggling for the right to be friends but not be the same. Observe my desire to have autonomy recognized.
Sometimes “friends” just seem to get their own self-worth from trying to lessen yours, and you might need to think back and decide if the aspects of this friendship you enjoy are worth putting up with what you have put up with. In one case, I decided that it was worth it. In another it was blatantly not. It sounds like you know what you want/need to do with regards to lifestyle choices, and have probably thought them through–so stick to your decisions and know that random (friendly) strangers in Internet Land support your decision! 🙂
Thanks, “y’all!”
My issue in all of this is releasing the burden of adjusting to the non city — I’ve decided the best adjustment is to realize one will never really adjust. One lives in the country, perhaps, but one can keep one’s eyes elsewhere.
It’s part of my culture shock about academia — so many people, it has always seemed to me, are suited to the academic life because they are in fact comfortable in smaller towns. More Americans than I had imagined think of cities as places for youthful adventure only! Whereas many of my foreign friends find it completely normal to insist on living in town — forever.
This friend, wishes me well but also has some kind of identification with me, would like me to be reined in somehow. I think she feels criticized that I don’t share all her tastes. I don’t mean it in this way — perhaps she also doesn’t mean it in this way. I do note, though, that when I visit she prefers I wear her clothes … I feel somewhat like a doll then, it is odd. 😉
Dang! How hard is it to say, “have a safe and productive trip in Mexico” and “maybe something will turn up in a city”?
For years I was very very depressed because of being forced to live in small towns by my academic career. there was not enough visual, intellectual, emotional, auditory, etc. stimulation. I was withering away intellectually. Then I discovered blogging and it helps me escape from the paucity of experience available in this village where I live.
You are right, one never really gets used to it. All one can try to do is deal with the trauma.
I didn’t mean for this comment to be depressive but it somehow turned out that way.
That is why I have the blog, too. My issue is, in academia one is supposed to not care where one is, because one has one’s work. I don’t find that it works that way.