As you can see and will see, I am really exhausted and depressed. My cat, who was my anti-suicide insurance is gone, and just any cat will not do the trick.
Getting out of town makes my other identity, the happy one, kick in but this summer I am incarcerated here — against all plans, as I had come many times to the conclusion that making a go of it here when classes were not in session, and especially in the extreme heat of summer or the extreme grayness of Christmas, was an unrealistic expectation to place upon oneself.
Part of the reason I am so depressed is that I am improving. This means slogging through mega pain first, and looking at some true horror, so this is where I am. I think this summer I will have to truly practice some psychological hygiene — something I have never done in this town because I kept getting hijacked by men before I ever got my feet on the ground, and because I came from a few years of only practicing it intermittently.
That was because it was considered I did not deserve to treat myself decently, and that I had sinned earlier in life by doing so. I am really going to have to do it now, one way 0r another, and it will not be discipline, it will come from me and be self care, and that is final.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 