I have to go, I am late, but these are the things I want to discuss:
– Astrology for academic job seekers. I am not joking. Location matters a great deal, for instance, although not in the ways people claim. There is a great deal else you can learn from your chart about what to prioritize and also how to operate. You need an astrologer, and no, I have not gone crazy.
– The wages of sin are death, it is said. Apparently I believe sin to be: being a distinct person, having desires for myself that differ from those others have for me, having views of my own, saying what those views are, standing up for them, and so on.
– I can justify doing these things on others’ behalf. This is why to be an advocate for others: I should be in law or government, for instance. I can also justify doing these things if I have serious backing. It is why not only want, but also need to work in certain kinds of atmospheres.
– I cannot justify doing these things on my own behalf, although I sometimes do it if it seems necessary for basic survival. Still, I see myself do it and then feel as though I were awaiting execution. Seriously. Managing this and recovering from this is my academic problem.
– My writing problem: “If I publish this and it challenges anyone, they will suffer from chronic pain the rest of their life, and it will be my fault. I will have to kill my pets to atone for it. I would rather die myself.” It truly is something like this and yes, I supposed one could say it is a distortion of the ego.
– When I wrote with “happy engagment” I had not yet said anything truly challenging yet, and I had not yet engaged in serious research on behalf of my own ideas. One’s own ideas were to be kept to oneself, I had been taught.
– The first book I ever read for research purposes on my own, of my own volition, and that made a lasting impression was Fanon, Les damnés de la terre. I should reread the chapter on violence; should I take up arms or commit suicide? appears to be a strategic question not just my own.
– There is this quotation from that book I have cited before and must find again:
The first thing which the native learns is to stay in his place, and not to go beyond certain limits. This is why the dreams of the native are always of muscular prowess; his dreams are of action and of aggression. I dream I am jumping, swimming, running, climbing; I dream that I burst out laughing, that I span a river in one stride, or that I am followed by a flood of motor-cars which never catch up with me.
– Of all the passages I have read in my life it is arguably the one which most impressed me. I am startled to see that until now, until today, I did not notice the last phrase, the flood of motor-cars, because I was already so exhilarated about spanning a river in one stride. But the dream of motor-cars is one I have had almost every night, for as long as I can remember.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 