The trap in which I have lain is multi-pronged although all roads lead to Rome. Let us see:
IN LIFE IN GENERAL
– PROBLEM A: the idea that the slightest misstep will bring down extreme violence / exile / death, and the knowledge that one must be constantly on guard about these missteps since the main misstep is autonomy, which one cannot renounce entirely and live; the question then becomes how to measure the bare minimum of autonomy required for survival, so one can live but also avoid causing others unbearable pain
– PROBLEM B: the impression that only by following, exactly, a specific model can one avoid falling off the tightrope or cliff’s edge where one resides, and that if one does fall off it will be into a magma of complete dependency, so one will have to accept help and whatever mistreatment comes with this help; that makes any deviation from the model terrifyingAND ACADEMICALLY
– the urgency of academic advice, which essentially says both of the above things and is, to me, traumatic for that reason; the smug repetition of the precepts elicits in me the desire to fight for my life — which I know is not actually the appropriate response, but all the adrenaline I have in my system by then has to go somewhere
– the prohibition on disagreement, because disagreement will bring on extreme violence; therefore, if I find myself disagreeing with anyone I go onto high alert since I “know” that if I raise the issue they will try to kill me which will put me in danger of killing them (this adrenalin fog makes it very difficult to finish a piece of writing)
I have discussed these things so much that I am bored. People refused to believe me at the time but the non hysterical reader can certainly see it was logical of me to think that, in these conditions, I really ought to switch to a field in which I could just calm down and do something.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 