Woke up this morning with my mind…

I woke up this morning thinking that perhaps if I slept again and woke up again I would wake up somewhere else. I woke up knowing it was a sunny day. I woke up thinking, if you work in isolation is it enough to kill a project? I woke up wondering, how many people who have never worked in isolation, know in fact whether or not they are interested in their project? How do they know it is not just what they are doing because they have an atmosphere for it and they are paid for it? That was how I was one day, and I called it interest.

I have been told I have great discipline and willpower and that was how I was doing it. I have been told I have great enthusiasm and that was how I was doing it. I woke up this morning looking at the new Ph.D program in Austin, that takes five years. There are no exams and you write one paper and one dissertation. You prepare reading lists as one did before, but you are not then examined on them. I thought, that is how people manage to get degrees without having to learn discipline and “time management,” and how they publish a lot in graduate school but then still have writing issues when they finish. I thought, that is a program designed for students coming from elite colleges only.

I woke up wondering what it feels like to wake up excited to start work, as opposed to wake up merely alert and amenable to it on good days. I woke up with my mind stayed on freedom songs. I woke up thinking about the work I would like to do. I visualized the energy and called it to me, and if I work in a burst, on that dream, I have energy for this. Is the reason I need so much atmosphere that I lack interest, or is the reason I lack interest that I lack atmosphere … and can I create atmosphere on my own, simply by carving out more time? This is the only method I have so I must try it.

I woke knowing it was a sunny day and I got up singing freedom songs, and with freedom songs everything is easy. And freedom songs come from work songs, and work songs have a rhythm. I woke up this morning concerned since the past two weeks have been, unexpectedly, more draining than renewing and not enough of any of the things I had planned have been done. I woke up wishing for the ring I lost the other day. I got up singing songs of freedom and thought that it is two whole weeks, but then again it is only two weeks.

I was taught later in life that when you had other things happen you could not work, but earlier I had taught people that you could do both. You can do if you allow yourself to be in the center of your life. This was not, of course, what we learned in graduate school because decentering was in fashion, or in Reeducation since Reeducation means renunciation of one’s own goals and views. It is also not what is taught girls. Yet we sang freedom songs at school and I still associate school with freedom songs.


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