Five months un-depressed. (This running outfit I threw together is so comfortable and also charming that I wish I could go teach in it.) Running is a truly excellent activity and this is a very good time of year to do it.
What I was thinking as I woke up: that I do not have these PTSD-style reactions any more. That I do not even relate to them, remember them. This is not entirely true, but it is true enough to be interesting.
That all this muscle pain I have, the pain I would die to escape sometimes, is almost entirely paychosomatic, but it would be helped if I would go to sleep earlier, so I will do that.
That the financial stress is nearly unbearable. It would be less if we were not constantly threatened with further cuts in pay or cuts to the program, i.e. elimination of program due to financial exigency. It would be less if I were not so unhappy living where I do, such that I am constantly scheming on ways to escape, and such that it matters to me that the house is pleasant. Everything that happens — such as this week’s ultimately false alarm about lost glasses — is a potential disaster for the year’s plan, and this is terribly stressful.
If I lived in town, not being able to travel would matter less. There would be decent studio apartments for rent. There would be conferences and symposia, so it would not matter so much not to go to them in other places. There would be libraries with books in them, including current books, and I would not have to buy as many of these or have the furniture and space in which to keep them. There would be inspiring parks in which to run, and lovely streets, and I would look blissful naturally.
In any case the constant counting and budgeting is nerve-wracking, and makes it hard to sit down calmly and read. I must do yoga.
This weekend I will wash the exterior windows of the house.
♦
Also: classes start today. I secretly like this, although I am not a teaching fan. But I do not like being on “vacation” here since it is such a stressful place. The expectation that one will relax and enjoy oneself, and concentrate and get work done, is too much, I just want to sleep and hope to wake up somewhere else. And I am not the only one who feels this way — my New Orleans colleague agrees completely, and there are several famous locals, I mean, people who are famous because they are local, who do not actually live here. Life is much easier when school is open and there is work outside one’s own mind.
#OccupyHE
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 