Always, working on Vallejo, except for those seminar papers I wrote before things got serious, I did not consider the project mine. It was always an obligation, a kind of caretaking activity, something for someone else, something to placate, something to not offend someone else and to be good enough as an offering. This is … More Et voilà encore
I want to buy an external hard disk for all my files, from all the devices, all the jump drives, as an archive: the one Ring to rule them all, as it were. I was going to have that all in the Cloud but this is too unstable. I want to say, as I have … More More on Osorio and life
Solstice. And this year for Christmas, remember, I will meditate and center upon myself. I will not allow people to run over me, no matter how much they need to run over someone. I will place myself first, no matter how “selfish” this is. I will honor myself. If I had been allowing myself to … More La busco y busco
Yes it can, but I have to own it and myself and not consider that it is something I owe. I can almost feel the existence of the person who could do this. It all has to do with not writing in my own voice, and writing with the feeling someone is standing over my … More Can this fucking Vallejo paper be my paper?
Caretaking, and required caretaking, and coerced caretaking are traumatic for me. I took care of my mother from birth to college and I gave her everything I had, and I gave her everything I could after that; all of this was more than I had, really, and I am in the red, as it is … More On research as caretaking
…because it is one more obligation. I was always told I had to do this kind of thing because in our social class nothing else was acceptable. But I wanted to do so much more in life, and do things outside the arts. And I want to work at a high level. If I had … More Why it is so depressing to be told I should be an artist now
He says also subtly suggests it is not the beginning of something, but the end of something. This would explain why I feel pulled toward the 19th century. “Make it new,” said said Pound; but he could say that because it was still it, back then. That is to say: “it” was new or seemed … More On Nelson Osorio and the avant-garde
It is, or has been, this PTSD flashback-like event I have been experiencing all day. I have not had such an experience for a long time. It is as though I had self-harmed and were now berating myself for it. Seeing that is already an advance. How to stop the assault? Saying it is a … More Toute la journée
Is it something like this? Something in an apocalyptic landscape? My piece, which is “killing” me, begins and ends with Nelson Osorio and the avant-garde as a “reajuste cultural a nivel global.” The choice is a clear one. We can continue acting as if tomorrow will be just like yesterday, growing less and less prepared … More On death in Vallejo. On Pyncheon.
This is my meditation for the week and I will remain true to it even though it appears that my dear, rat-tat-tat little computer is not very badly harmed. (Only two keys are still stuck, and it flickered upon rebooting but then came up just fine.) My meditation will be about self-sabotage. I have spilled … More La méditation de cette semaine
coldhearted scientist وداد 