I am up to auto-psycho-radiography again, because of the confirmation that one should think of one’s days in terms of defining and acting on priorities, not of “time management.” Actual priorities, however, are not always easy to discern. One has the priorities one thinks one should have, and the ones one does have (and acts upon), and also the unconscious or merely unacknowledged ones that may be stronger and that may even have validity. What are my priorities? The more I look, the more basic I get. My deepest priority is calculating the right ratio of acceptance and refusal of abuse, the ratio that will equal survival. The concept seems to be: I must take as much abuse, and undertake as much self-denial as I can without disabling myself completely. How much can I give away while still retaining enough of myself to keep functioning at at least a basic level? In Reeducation, it was said that I was functioning at a much higher level than I deserved to do, given my putative background. I needed to drop this façade so as to see reality. That was of course false, but I took this path and it is a difficult one to return from. This is because my most basic research question is how much I can hobble myself without becoming completely non-functional. Until I renounce this project I will not progress.
*
I am also over-complicating matters. The fact is that this family health situation has also been a great deal of work, and traumatic. I have not gotten a great deal else done in two months and I am very tired. “Why do I not set better priorities?” “Why have I not smartly done yoga and otherwise taken perfect care of myself during this time?” are not necessarily constructive questions.
I am in addition destroying myself because of what I have not done, which is not useful.
*
In another context someone said:
[The people in question] do not believe in truth. Lacking such a belief it is hardly surprising that they also lack confidence, direction and purpose.
That is why I wanted to do activist work I am passionate about as a profession. There is more to think about here. I believe in truth; I just don’t believe I can have access to it in my current field. Why is this? Because I have been told so often that I am wrong in my very being, and I have internalized it. Entering another field so that this wound could air, rest, heal, always seemed best to me although others said it would be a betrayal.
*
I have to decide now that I have access to truth in THIS field. I have to actively combat the idea that I do not have access to truth, to autonomy, to integrity, and the idea that I have no value. These are my basic beliefs: I cannot discern truth, I have no right to autonomy or integrity, and I have value only insofar as I can serve and please others.
I think of work as a place where I am isolated, but also lack power and autonomy. There are expectations that are impossible to fulfill, but the wages of not fulfilling them are death; you could also survive without being a true star, but you will be maimed like the Little Mermaid. Also, at work there will always be requirements you have not met only because you were not told of them; you will always be excluded from discussions of matters that affect your life; you will be obstructed and harassed. That is why it is hard for me to start work, because it means stepping into that place, those dangers, those roles.
*
What do I say, spontaneously, when I am really angry at people? “I am not your servant!” That means that being treated as a servant is what most angers me. This is to say: I want to believe I have access to truth. I want to be seen as a person. That is, I want to recognize myself as a person.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 