Monday: exhausted, slept late, and then it was the day of the disastrous communication with Dad’s bank’s lawyer and being on hold for 8 hours to finally get my non-functioning alarm system canceled (a long story). Went to the pool, felt better, and also got a few other practical things done, but then also stayed up late trying to recover. A bad pattern. Intended: trip to Baton Rouge. Failed.
Tuesday: exhausted slept late, realized it is time to get representation despite everything else and called someone. This improved matters. I’m going to schedule massage as well, and in general just take charge. I realized how much I’ve been jerked around in the past year–by the university, Dad’s bank’s lawyer, the vets at LSU, and more. Needed: trip to Baton Rouge. When?
These two days I did some of the boring things that need to be done, and I must do some more of these, but the psychic context of it all has to be extreme self-care and I CANNOT fall into this pattern of putting others so far ahead of self. I’m closer to the end of my patience than I realize, and I’m really not in a position to do things for other people.
Also note, no research or writing was done on these days. That is one of the ways to feel better. There is a lot to say but I’m not using this blog as an analysis couch any more. It’s just that it’s all so clear. I’m closer to the end of my patience than I realize, and I’m really not in a position to do things for other people. I need support and I need to garner it.
To be continued. I have to have rest and a regular life, and to act as though I mattered. That can’t just be something I do in other countries, other identities. What is it that I do? I terrorize myself, so that all the things I want to do become tainted with that terror. I’ll learn not to. I’m going to start by writing Brent. I need rest.
I’m becoming aware of how sad I was / have been to lose the research and writing atmosphere, and contact with the identity. It was me and it was considered wrong. I really suffered over this. Perhaps if I become aware of it I can stop holding the pain (which I don’t even realize I am holding). I also notice that I haven’t really begun to grieve my father and won’t be able to until this bank business is over. I feel the bank is taking advantage of us and being unnecessarily cruel.
Update: Today I got a new ILL ID, and ordered the Castro-Klarén book since it is no longer in open stacks at Tulane. I’ll go there to read something else. And I started typing up my notes on Murcia.
Wednesday: Again up late, exhausted. That’s got to end. Then I spent a lot of time dealing with the lawyers and so on. This felt very good, I know I’m doing the right thing. It made me feel so good that I went right into dealing rationally with work, even though I hardly had any time for it.
I was going to ILL two Moraña books and I found out that my ILL did not work because I am blocked due to overdue books. I therefore went into university e-mail, got some of the mail, found out when the first meeting is and when classes start exactly, and started working on one of the classes. Tomorrow when I go to fix the library situation I will ILL Castro-Klarén and Moraña (ed.) Poetics of Race. Her latest one, on necropoetics, is still just in page proofs, but I want it too (and others).
Thursday: Felt better. Did Chase, Baton Rouge, pool. Did I do anything else? Not sure I did any work.
Friday: Felt better. Socialized and worked on library, classes, Spain.
Saturday: Felt better. Worked on Spain, worked out, and socialized.
Sunday: Felt better. Worked on Spain and Ortiz (that’s research).
Monday projection: ILL, Babineaux, David Prieto, Brent, Nathaniel, Dorota, Gabriel, and keep on going. University e-mail (reimbursement) and Sigma Delta Pi report.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 