coldhearted scientist وداد

1/ Twice in graduate school, on papers where it wasn’t really I who had chosen the topic, and I had serious trouble making the topics I had work

2/ The same thing, with that book manuscript

3/ From trying to “manage time” when time management was not the issue (and note: “managing time” means not giving yourself enough time, it’s anorexic, it means mistrusting your instincts, cutting out joy and exploration, and tying yourself to an alarm clock)

4/ From not thinking one had authority to teach, or not thinking one should take authority (this is a form of impostor syndrome, but it started because I kept being told one couldn’t enjoy teaching, or say one did, and get a university job)

5/ From thinking one had to do unpleasant things first, or choose things one disliked, and also from knowing that if one’s tastes were known all good things would be destroyed or taken away.

So, it was: you must not enjoy life, you are not competent, and you must rush with everything. The ridiculous discussion of time management came from academic people, apparently worse trained than I, but the rest came from parents. None of it had any actual basis in reality. I still opt automatically for suffering, though, and have to really remember to counter this conditioning.

ALSO, I am trained not to recognize what I like. I find myself not wanting to do the things I think I should want to do, or doing things that I am told are what I enjoy for relaxation and finding them to be drudgery. I think: am I depressed, to be having such a reaction? But no. It’s just that I don’t like that thing.

Axé.