Now it’s been a month since I committed to not doing anything self-destructive and to put my interests first. I’ve never done this before and it is very interesting.
And difficult.
I suffer from more anxiety than I realize. It’s frustrating because people think anxiety is excessive worry, about things that are not real. Treatments for it presuppose that. But in my case it is about unsafe environments. I am anxious because I am told I should ignore things that are manifestly dangerous and actually happening. The appropriate treatment is to allow oneself to prepare or defend. For example, if a hurricane is coming, you prepare for it. Of course trying to say it is not coming, and not preparing for it even though you know in your heart you should, will create anxiety. I do not see why that should be so hard to understand.
If I would say I was anxious instead of criticize myself for not concentrating well, I would then be in a position to address the anxiety. What am I afraid of? What will be my attitude and strategy if that event actually takes place (if the hurricane hits right here, say)? Then I have a plan and I can concentrate on what I am doing. But if I just say I should not be anxious, I will only get more anxious because, again, I will know I am unprepared for an imminent situation and that that is unwise.
Do you see? Part of my program of not self-harming involves not listening to strange advice, no matter how standard.
Coda: I notice that many Buddhist meditations here have as a theme not envying people. I don’t envy people but I have learned from these Buddhists that many or most people do.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 