Coda on my Dec. 21 meltdown: the town is icky, there are icky people in it, one of their spawn (parents are in 70s, so kid is 40s now) is brought to my house and acts icky, I lose it at him, and then I feel I misbehaved? I feel I have made a major error, speaking freely in my own house? Afterwards, I was having this meltdown largely in fear of what could be repeated elsewhere, and how. One has no privacy in this town, I mean, R. did say can I bring a friend but then that friend is this person, the town is too small, I should have realized it could be a problem person. He and his friend both think that because they are musicians they can just take over, go through the CDs, put on whatever they want, pick up the guitar, and only talk to each other, as though this were some kind of pub. It’s kind of a classic violation, and it’s what keeps happening here, I keep having versions of the same experience and the same reaction, they think other people are their rugs to walk on. I don’t react well: it’s hard to teach these people to keep normal boundaries so I keep either getting walked on or getting mad, or both, and it is neither good nor normal.
And it’s not just my experience, other Cajuns complain about it. J. is going to hide his new address from his family, so they cannot invade. D. next door wants to move away so he doesn’t feel constantly spied upon, gossiped about, and judged; in Cajun music, as at the Cajun university, you have to be in an in-group in order to do well, but being in that in-group has major costs (as in, it costs you your ethics).
So my line of thought is, try to recover some strength and look at moving. This has always been a bad marriage, so to speak, and I’m failing to make it better; my intention for the more immediate term is never to spend a long vacation period in this town again. Error 2022: Brazil situation was not good. Error 2023: CDMX situation was not good. BOTH of these were due to having to deal with old friends with sad and/or uncomfortable situations. Result of crisis staying home 2024: quit AAUP. Result of crisis staying home 2025: plan to quit Lafayette. I’m not saying I’ll do it immediately, only that I’ll do it concretely. I can first pack up, clean up, rent the house with things in storage, then go rent somewhere furnished, like in Xalapa, or Lviv, or anywhere, and think.
Or so I think. Meanwhile, I must keep going with the program for the new year, because I have had it with the old ways. I have this R&R (revise and resubmit) to do where I disagree with Reviewer 2 and feel condescended to by them. I have trouble working on it in Lafayette, because in order to do work on it, I need to feel like a full person, a person with rights, a person who can agree or disagree with Reviewer 2, or agree in part, and assert my view. The reason this is so hard for me here is that I’ve been taught that here, to get along, I must diminish myself, consider that others have more rights than I do, or that others are jealous and I, to appease them, should find ways to limit my powers. I’ve also been taught that I’m not safe here, and that half my energy needs to go to looking over my shoulder when I am here. All of this makes it hard to concentrate. But I need to work on this article here, all my materials for it are here, and I am here, and I need to create my own space here, and learn not to be afraid here.
We know why and how I fell prey to feeling as I do here, but how is it that I feel? 1. I owe the Cajuns a debt I can never repay, and my achievements hurt them. 2. Therefore I must diminish myself. 3. Most importantly, I must try to get used to them, earn their favor, and put up with any poor behavior they throw at me–especially if it involves boundary invasions, walking all over me, speaking ill of me behind my back, gaslighting me, harassing me, shunning me, or undermining me. I owe them this so they do not kill me. How can I stop this? I honestly don’t think most of them mean to do it. I have to tell myself I am a person, every day, treat myself well, every day, remember I am valid even if not “right,” every day.
The key is that I think I should take terrible abuse, not notice it, and be unharmed / ultra-efficient, all at the same time. The actual problem is that I don’t notice it soon enough, and don’t think I am permitted to stop it soon enough. These things I imagine, but I have seen that Cajun eliminate people for standing up for themselves more than once. I have to decide I don’t care, that risk is better than the suffering I ensure for myself if I don’t take it.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 