coldhearted scientist وداد

This is a draft/outline, and it will morph. This goes to the What is a Scholar posts.

1. Every bad decision I have made had to do with metrics and academic CAREER advice—and I tried to fix these with yet MORE career advice (on another order—the self-helpy Boicean and related advice)
2. Scholarly advice would have said something else and would have allowed for voice.
3. Remember the themes Levi saw in my other piece: fear, paranoia, loss, isolation. I wonder how those fit in here.

Axé.

The way to start: every bad academic decision has had to do with looking out for metrics and following career advice. (Examples.)
I had scholarly advice for myself that often went in another direction (do
One way to start (or start a section): My father’s caution.

Another fragment, or another piece: So what was it about, what was the pain of the Cajuns about? I never figured out why it is so much more acute than the pain of other groups with similar or even more tragic histories, but it appears to be. I wonder, though, if it is actually the personal pain of the particular individuals who have disseminated the story. Getting to a major university during the theory boom and finding out that studying French was not just knowing the language, and becoming anti-literature therefore. Getting to France and finding it was not like here (like the study abroad students, disoriented because Spain is not like Mexico). And cobbling together an identity from these kinds of experiences, that mines uniqueness and feeds on pain.

Another topic: my life as an adult professor.
1. Colleagues who enjoy each other, do interesting work, share it.
2. And who do interesting teaching, and share it.
3. And are solidary on service, and share it.
4. University with shared governance that works.
5. Functioning, well directed lower division program, where if I teach a service course it’s still fun, not a horror show.
6. Interesting graduate students.
7. Enough people and students so I can specialize somewhat. Really put time into the interesting courses I develop, that are in a research or teaching field for me, or adjacent.
8. Sabbaticals and access to research funding. Interesting exchanges around the world.
9. Serious study abroad for students.
10. Support, not undermining.
Note that I have had none of these things. I keep thinking I should function as though I did. And I kept thinking that since I didn’t, I should do something else. Why did my supporters insist I not move fields? Because they did not realize what academia had become.