This is important and revealing, as it shows why I am and have been so traumatized by “cajunismo.” I waver between understanding that this happened, and it’s common, and I withstood it better than many, and thinking I should have found a way to reject it, see what was happening, and start batting on my own side rather than fall prey to it to the high degree I did. And I’m sad just thinking of the long pain I went through, and what it did.
So I’m batting on my own side now. I’m going to ease into it, not expect myself to be perfectly functional immediately. But I’m batting on my own side, treating myself as my father and his mother would, looking askance at the behaviors described in the link, seeing instantly that they were ridiculous, saying to each other, “Well, we’re not going to believe in these things.” Beaming love, really.
I think, though, that it is because of suffering from these tactics of management and not understanding them that members of my department turn on each other.
Mostly I feel wistful about that first blast of cajunismo, before I ever got to my department. It was the Reeducator. The idea that I had something permanent wrong with me, that I couldn’t see, but had to atone for, by not caring for myself. Having to question myself again and again. The recriminations, the interrogations. I discovered the power and control wheel for the first time then, and it enabled me to quit that Reeducator, but I had tortured myself so much by then.
I’ll never do it again, I refuse.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 