And typed out may sound incomprehensible to anyone but me. But I realized, just as I had realized earlier that I’d let my detractors take over my body and I had to get it back, that I’ve let them take over my work. If I get it back, I won’t have to struggle with them … More It’s a revolution
This is actually quite good. I don’t feel the authority or focus to write, I want to to hide and heal, but what if I can meditate for some minutes and do that, and writing is a sanctuary that rebuilds the self? My relationship with the world. I don’t really deserve to be recognized or … More Writing resistance August 20
The 1970 short “Meeting the Man.” He talks about the constant murder of Black people and how he left the US because he was sure it would kill him. He also says that most people do not love, or want to be free. “The world is held together by the love and passion of a … More Baldwin again
In the mindfulness group, people brought two things up: childhood PTSD and reactions to abandonment and neglect. The feeling that if you are not perfect you will be on the street. There are reasons to think about this in relation to my mother’s childhood and also mine. That is a short paragraph but an important … More Things related to my mother
Dysregulation, or a term, emotional dysregulation. I realize now that when Reeducation said I had no feelings, or could not feel my feelings, it meant that according to it, I should be dysregulated, based on its interpretation of my background. So I had to be dysregulated and hiding it, or I was not dysregulated but … More A vocabulary word
Someone said: 1/ They follow someone who defended the downtrodden and stood up to every authority, every oppressor, all alone. They admire this 2/ They know they are abusing people, hiding behind each other and acting in group think 3/ When someone actually takes a Christlike position, they are terrified 4/ And try to destroy … More On Christian Culture
Now it’s been a month since I committed to not doing anything self-destructive and to put my interests first. I’ve never done this before and it is very interesting. And difficult. I suffer from more anxiety than I realize. It’s frustrating because people think anxiety is excessive worry, about things that are not real. Treatments … More Hace un mes
The lady at the shoe repair says we should take Vitamin E and use No. 7, and I believe her, it’s worth trying. I need a good but inexpensive product so I can use lots of it. But which one? Must I get the whole package? Probably–I don’t have to use all of the pieces … More No. 7
They are destructive to you. Don’t help them. Yes, it is sad that you have not understood this fully before and have in that way been complicit in the destruction of yourself, but it is very good you see it now and can stop colluding. And you will find you heal somewhat. Even seeing what … More The rule!
You should log the things that happen each day or week, I have decided. I always thought of diaries as cursi but they are meditative, and it’s good. I dreamed of a humiliating conversation at work, the kind that always happens. I’m asked how to improve the program, and I make recommendations based on national … More Log, and dream
coldhearted scientist وداد 