…asked Hattie. I am actually working on a list, but it does not include some things I was told and that are interesting, including: * People get up in the morning and ask themselves, what can I do for ME today? And then they do that thing first. Apparently I really mistreat myself and do … More What would help?
I will not reiterate but we have to consider my professional self destruction as some misguided attempt at positive rebellion, find out what I was trying to do that was positive, hold on to that. I am so tired. I wish I could understand the past and I wish most of my past had not … More More positive
“You should not be doing research.” “Your research identity is proof of your failure as a person.” I should have just laughed but I was terrified and wanted to disappear. It is a not good idea to look into this abyss but I carry so much pain in me all the time. (I have also … More Was it the kernel…?
You just have to start and keep going, since it gets better, as I have been saying since the sixth grade. Part of the reason I stopped writing at a certain point was that it was the only thing I knew for sure I knew how to do. “Just write” means do not delay starting, … More How to write
Is the way these poems work in part by having an auditory aspect, a soundtrack that does not quite fit what is emerging visually? And to have a sense of touch working in still a third way? I do not have time to work this out now but there is something symphonic happening, or some … More Dérèglement des sens
I can list them now. 1. Self respect.2. Sense of reality.3. Ability to trust anyone. At the time, I said the problem was that I had contracted self-hatred. That is true, too, but this list is more useful. I know what one can say: if I lost them that easily, I did not have them … More Things I lost in psychotherapy
“You have to stand up for yourself,” I was told. I agree but I also say I am not even sure what that would be. When I “don’t stand up for myself” I think that what I am doing is being polite and fair and realizing I may have faults. Also, when I have stood … More Notes for this paper
I had an interesting post drafted yesterday, that would have been useful to me, but I lost it and cannot remember it. Today I say I wish I felt free, worthy, strong the way I imagine J to do, for instance. I have sometimes felt this way, but rarely — I have always known I … More Clearing my head for this morning
You have to be in a position to be calm and comfortable and keep a clear head. No writing or efficiency advice works if you do not establish this first. It is trickier than one would think and I did not know this before I first lost this kind of situation — did not know … More Ya lo he dicho
And if I were in Mexico or en ville, I would surely not merely be hoping to see my first Amat Escalante film, but seeing his latest, coming at the current film from a different direction. ♦ The tone of standard academic advice is all about discipline and limitation, as well as “self-protection.” It is … More Amat Escalante
coldhearted scientist وداد 