When I was a new assistant professor, starting the first day and lasting until Reeducation, I had an amount and kind of teaching and service that professors at R1 institutions do not dream of and especially, do not dream of not having the option of saying no to. I, as a student from such an … More How to get a lot written at a teaching and service oriented institution
Perhaps I do in fact merely have simple, Comparative Literature 1A-style writing problems. I never believed it before, my writing strategies were different, but at present I now believe in writing bad first drafts. #OccupyHE Axé.
…asked Hattie. I am actually working on a list, but it does not include some things I was told and that are interesting, including: * People get up in the morning and ask themselves, what can I do for ME today? And then they do that thing first. Apparently I really mistreat myself and do … More What would help?
I will not reiterate but we have to consider my professional self destruction as some misguided attempt at positive rebellion, find out what I was trying to do that was positive, hold on to that. I am so tired. I wish I could understand the past and I wish most of my past had not … More More positive
“You should not be doing research.” “Your research identity is proof of your failure as a person.” I should have just laughed but I was terrified and wanted to disappear. It is a not good idea to look into this abyss but I carry so much pain in me all the time. (I have also … More Was it the kernel…?
You just have to start and keep going, since it gets better, as I have been saying since the sixth grade. Part of the reason I stopped writing at a certain point was that it was the only thing I knew for sure I knew how to do. “Just write” means do not delay starting, … More How to write
Is the way these poems work in part by having an auditory aspect, a soundtrack that does not quite fit what is emerging visually? And to have a sense of touch working in still a third way? I do not have time to work this out now but there is something symphonic happening, or some … More Dérèglement des sens
I can list them now. 1. Self respect.2. Sense of reality.3. Ability to trust anyone. At the time, I said the problem was that I had contracted self-hatred. That is true, too, but this list is more useful. I know what one can say: if I lost them that easily, I did not have them … More Things I lost in psychotherapy
“You have to stand up for yourself,” I was told. I agree but I also say I am not even sure what that would be. When I “don’t stand up for myself” I think that what I am doing is being polite and fair and realizing I may have faults. Also, when I have stood … More Notes for this paper
I had an interesting post drafted yesterday, that would have been useful to me, but I lost it and cannot remember it. Today I say I wish I felt free, worthy, strong the way I imagine J to do, for instance. I have sometimes felt this way, but rarely — I have always known I … More Clearing my head for this morning
coldhearted scientist وداد 