Not yet being a Bodhisattva, I do not always feel one hundred percent sisterly. Some days I have extreme difficulty being nice to certain well-heeled women I know who are very proud of their so-called independence and authority but are actually running dogs of patriarchy (as Mao might have said).
One such informs me now that I should not be able to do my own taxes, insurance negotiations, and minor legal work. I am inappropriately competent and it must be the result of denial. The right women’s group would allow me get in touch with my true, or ideologically correct feelings of vulnerability in these situations.
When I moved to another state for a while, this woman told me I “should not” be able to drive that far alone. Now she tells me I might consider living out of state at some point. “Have you ever thought of that?” she asked with false innocence and a condescending tone. The behavior I am describing is abusive, in my view. It is not in hers.
Part of this woman’s self-assigned authority comes from motherhood, which causes her to “just know” things – authoritarian things. I dislike mothers who are invested, as she is, in limiting their childrens’ vision, and I notice that such mothers try to do the same to other people as well. Their techniques of oppression are located and expressed differently than mens’, but they have the same deep structure.
I also dislike patriarchal women for the ways they project into each other, compete with each other, and are in general destructive to each other and to every one – except, of course, to the men they serve directly (for whom I feel sorry sometimes, as when I see them condescended to in the same way as their children are). I understand that these women are exerting the only power they have, over the only people they feel right exerting power. I do not think that makes it all right.
I realize I should say it is not the fault of these women, but of the patriarchy which has produced them. Yet are they not in some sense themselves the patriarchy? Must we excuse all complicity?
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
There are some women (and I’m sorry, but I’ve run into it more in women than in men) who believe that they are put on earth to set other women’s lives to rights. I don’t know why they think this way, nor do I know why they seem to want to exercise this power more over younger women than over older ones. The ridiculous paternalism (maternalism?) that you’re describing is a characteristic of this sort of person.
I consider this behavior abusive, as you do, but I’ve never come up with a good solution except not to talk to them and to steer clear of them whenever possible. And if they are in the process of bullying me, or trying to, I’m completely uninterested in whether they’re victims of patriarchy or not. I just want them to stay the hell away from me.
Do you think it is just a type, or an age – or is it an epiphenomenon of something like class positioning + empty nest syndrome? The character in this post is a composite but in general I’m looking at white, educated, husband earns well and his is the main job, kids are getting into late teens.
This post is veeeeeery deeeeeeeeeep! Therefore, I would love to discuss it more generally. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can because I have on occasion seen this in myself and I’m still working on it.
I used to think, when I would exhibit these behaviors myself, that it was my tendency to come out of my “male” side rather than my “female” side, whatever that means (the result of not wanting to feel powerless, I suspect). As I began to recognize woman-power, I began to re-evaluate this excuse for man-handling others (good use of the term, huh?).
My daughter has been instrumental in helping me to get over the sense that “mothering” actually (and reasonably) means “striving to control.” And for this, I am incredibly grateful.
As these two re-evaluations took root, however, I was left to deal with my authoritarian personality (thank-you-very-much, Father-and-Mother). Thankfully, I seem to be becoming healthier. I do note, however, that when I hear flat statements from others with which I do not agree, especially when they seem to be coming from that authoritarian space, I sometimes hear myself responding to them in like manner (which can come across as “snarky,” only in person).
It’s important to understand while reading what I’ve written here that I am carefully delineating between “authoritarian” and “authoritative.” I have within me the capability of being both at different times. I am working to overcome the tendency to be the former. I welcome the latter with increasing pleasure.
Oooh, CS, fascinating – and here I thought it was a disease of bourgeois matrons! I was about to develop the theory that they, in their Whole Foods / Good Earth Catalogue glory, just wanted to make sure everyone knew that their choice to be in a traditional marriage with a yuppie was the best one.
I was raised to be educated but career-less, and many of my older friends were as well, and are in fact educated and career-less. When they were very busy with younger children, though, they did not behave in this way. It is something they have started now. My theory was, now that they have less to do, they are starting to envy me, and want to make sure that they know and I know that theirs was the best choice. They certainly have the most money and stuff, and they live in nicer parts of the country, but they seem to be in gilded cages.
However: idea that motherhood is control, and authoritarian personality as thing taught or structure absorbed early on, all of this explains a whole lot more. Brilliant.
I don’t know if there’s a type, Professor Z. I’ve had young women without children try to do this a lot, so I’m not sure it’s the empty nest mother thing. For me, the defining feature is a really driven personality, an ego that is, shall we say, not suffering from low self-esteem, and a lot of energy. If I see this in a person (especially a woman, young or old), I try to stay under the radar, or used to.
Twisty’s anti-marriage post –
http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2007/06/13/the-post-on-marriage/
– does, in my view, explain a lot of the behavior of these ladies. Observe:
“A married woman’s value is assessed according to the success with which she assimilates and performs wife-and-mother behaviors. These behaviors are not limited to reproduction, shopping, child-rearing, husband-servicing, and toilet-scrubbing, but also encompass a woman’s fundamental sense of her own inadequacy, and of the inadequacy of women generally. This sense of defectiveness ensures that her identity is little more than a function of her service to male culture.”
Thence the necessity of being oppressive to other women.
And: a couple of my women friends are divorcing right now and it is exactly for this reason – not because they have other men, or because their husbands are evil people, or anything like this – but because of what the institution does.
So Hah! 😉