coldhearted scientist وداد

I

The other reason I so disliked Reeducation, and found it so destructive, was its assumption that one was not an adult, and its expectation that one become an adult for the first time, in a very limited way, under the aegis of Reeducation, and its very negative judgment of actual independence, individuation, freedom.

II

That is why I suffered so long and so strongly from Reeducation. I sometimes wondered whether I had suffered permanent and irreparable damage from it. My life and career certainly did, and it has certainly not been good for my physical health, but I have always been determined that as a person I would not be permanently disabled by it and that I would one day be able to regain the spirit I had before.

In any case, according to Reeducation I was permanently and irreparably damaged, although I did not know it, and my successes had really been failures, although nobody else thought so. This backwards logic was hard to understand – and so I put effort into it – and that is how it pulled me in.

III

I was pulled in because I gave Reeducation the benefit of the doubt – perhaps it was me and not them, perhaps it was true that my education up until then had created blind spots in me. Giving the benefit of the doubt meant engaging, and although I now improve a light year’s worth daily, I still see wafting at me the tentacles of the dark side.

IV

By the ‘dark side’ I do not mean anything magical, or even the dark side of the self – I mean religion, psychotherapy, and assorted other ideological state apparatuses and technologies of power.  The tentacles which waft at me are the aspects of Reeducation I internalized most deeply: unwarranted mistrust of self, unwarranted self-criticism.

V

I repeat: an important reason why I so disliked Reeducation, and found it so destructive, was its assumption that one was not an adult, and its expectation that one become an adult for the first time, in a very limited way, under the aegis of Reeducation, and its very negative judgment of actual independence, individuation, freedom.

VI

I have tried to recover from Reeducation in many ways, but what has finally worked has been to turn my intellect on it. It was intellect of which Reeducation was most suspicious, and I can see why.

VII

I have almost vanquished Reeducation completely. And this, once again, is almost all I have to say on the matter. Reeducation was about limiting oneself and doubting oneself, and resigning oneself to the small life which will result from this. And the gods of Reeducation are dark gods.

Axé.