This is my post from a year ago today. I did not realize then that what was actually happening looked more like Liz’ highly recommended post on verbal abuse, which I am featuring and which everyone should read.
One useful point to be gleaned from reading in and around the post are that the abuser’s values and beliefs – and among these, their sense of entitlement – may better explain their behavior than reference to psychological problems. That may explain why I get bored when people ask me, “But what is in his mind…?”
Another is that couples counseling may be a poor idea for abusers and their victims, as may any program which recommends that the abused individual unilaterally changes her behavior in the hope that he will change as well. And that explains very well my anger and resentment at Reeducation.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
‘values’ and ‘beliefs’ form part of a society’s (extremely complex) normative structure. individuals develop their own normative structures within the societal framework. norms govern thought, word and deed. they might, or might not, cause or otherwise be connected with psychological problems (consider normative dissonance). it is a mistake to regard values and beliefs as anything other than norms. to do so accords them a special and mystical quality.
yet, it might be added, they do not work the same in those different and diverse and various realms
Aha, so that is one more of the Reeducation mysteries solved – they had certain norms, and one had (according to them) *psychological problems* if one did not share the same norms.
One big one – an obvious example – was that one should be afraid to travel alone. If one was not, that was inappropriate lack of fear and it meant one had a great unresolved trauma about which one was in denial.
“One big one – an obvious example – was that one should be afraid to travel alone. If one was not, that was inappropriate lack of fear and it meant one had a great unresolved trauma about which one was in denial.”
something they say only about us women.
thanks for linking the post in verbal abuse. very, very useful read.
It is interesting that folks think everything under the sun is connected to childhood trauma. (damn, damn that freud!).
Although, when I was in an abuse relationship, the fact that my partner had been abused in the past seemed to excuse a lot of his behavior in my eyes. it is like that french saying: To Know is to Love. because when we know the reasons why someone acts the way they act it is easier to accept them as they are.
“Although, when I was in an abuse relationship, the fact that my partner had been abused in the past seemed to excuse a lot of his behavior in my eyes.”
Me, too. The problem with that was, he was not willing to stop the abuse. At the beginning he said he wanted to change, and I thought that by being with a stable, non-abusive person he would get the hang of living another and more pleasant way. In reality, though, there were only two choices: put up with the abuse or leave.