coldhearted scientist وداد

This book I have just started work on is 21st century version of the dissertation I wanted to write. It is technically out of field, which is why I did not get to write it then and had not done so until now. Looking at my vita so that I could apply for sabbatical leave to make major progress on the manuscript, I realized that almost every conference paper I have given in the past decade and more has been on this project, not on what I was “supposed” to be doing or was “really” doing.

This means that a key reason I go to conferences is to lead a shadow research life. It is very interesting, but not surprising, how research obsessions will not let you go. It also appears that I am a textbook example of why people should work on their intuitions. This text has been haunting me, telling me to give it life. People said and I accepted that it was not the “sensible” project to take on, but it was, because this project was destined for me.

And it always appeared to me that the only non-lethal life strategy was to do everything on second choice. To be engaged in a second choice activity had the dampening effect which can also be achieved through moderate amounts of sleep deprivation. One could still work well enough to live, and one was, as it were, vaccinated against that éclat which could be a sign of individuation and would attract many bullets. I saw other people choosing their first choices and acting on them with pzazz, and I envied them. That is nice, yes, but for you it is not permitted. I was imprisoned on the other side of the glass.

Axé.