So it is São João and my official 50th birthday! June 24th is the year’s best day. Last night we leaped over fires and sang the midsummer song. In the southern hemisphere it is midwinter but we leaped over fires just the same, and drank hot cane liquor with cinnamon.
This is not necessarily a Feminist Post, and it may be a vain one. Before I was 50 I had already had facials, manicures, and pedicures. I had dyed my eyelashes, my eyebrows, and my hair. I had waxed my legs. Now that I am 50, I am already whitening my teeth. I need them to be white and sharp, as they are one of Professor Zero’s most important features. While I am in my 50s and 60s I am also going to get flattering glasses, pluck my eyebrows with a laser beam, dispel spider veins, remove fine lines from my face, and build bone and muscle mass.
I must do all these things because I have requested an extension. I intend now to live until age 200 rather than age 100, as was originally planned. This is so that I can have three additional careers and observe more fully the results of global warming. I can live this long because I have good teeth, and because I am a sculpted skull on a stela at Copán.
I also wish to announce that I am not really 50, but 30. I can tell this by the way some of my 50 year old associates act – namely, like cantankerous middle aged persons. I do not like to see this behavior, especially following straight on after the uneasy forties. I think I will be 30-39 again while I am really 50-59, and then jump straight to 60.
The most irritating 50 year olds in my experience are married women. Marriage is the primary tool of patriarchy and this, I am sure, is the cause of their strange state.